Emmett's 16 fun things to do in an elevator!
by MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles
Summary: Emmett discovers a list so magical, he beleives it was created by unicorns! He must complete this list! 16 days, 16 fun things to do in an elevator. What could go wrong?
1. Nailpolish, crying and the list

This list. Will change. My life!

"RO-OSE!" I screamed, bounding up the stairs. "Rose!" I found her painting her nails. "Hey Baby!" I yelled tipping over the bottle of nail polish, just to irritate her.

"What the hell, Emmett?" she smacked my head. Hard. "I bought that yesterday! You stupid oaf!"

How could she? I started to sob, but remembered I didn't have tears. "One moment, Rose." I ran down the stairs and got a glass of water before rejoining my angry wife.

"R-r-rose!" I sobbed, tipping water over my eyes. "You have hurt me deeply! I feel so-"

"EMMETT!"

I stopped 'sobbing'.

"The point?" she growled. "Or did you just come up here to ruin my make-up?"

"Rosalie!" I gasped. "How could you even THINK about nail-polish at a time like this? This is a matter of life or death!"

"WHAT THEN?!"

I smiled blissfully. "Look at this!" I shoved a piece of paper infront of her eyes.

She read each heavenly word aloud.

"16 fun things to do in an elevator!  
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.  
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.  
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.  
4. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"  
5. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"  
6. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.  
7. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.  
8. Ask, "Did you feel that?".  
9. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally"

"This is so-"

"Keep going!" I screamed, dancing around like a leprechaun.

"10. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"  
11. Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.  
12. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"  
13. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"  
14. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.  
15. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.  
16. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button."

Rose's eyes narrowed. "Where did you get this?"

I swayed happily on the spot. "Internet."

"I thought I said you couldn't go on the internet after you ate that little girls rabbit..."

"I know, I know! But it called to me, Rose! It called 'Emmy! Come play! We love you Emmy!' It really truly did!"

Silly Rose sighed. "Emmett. Go bother someone else."

I pouted. "You don't want to help me complete my list?"

"No."

I pouted harder but soon realised that my silly wife was not going to help me in my quest. So I decided to set off to find Alice...

"NO, EMMETT!"

"You don't even know what I was going to ask yo-...oh, right."

I asked Jasper. But before the words were out of my mouth, I suddenly didn't feel like doing my list anymore.

That soon passed and I decided to find Edward.

"No."

Carlisle.

"No."

Esme.

"No."

My last and only hope was Bella. Dear, sweet, Bella. Kind, loving.....

"No." Stupid cow.

I decided to pay her back. "Hey, Bells. Guess what?"

"Look, Emmett, I already said no."

"Oh, I know. I just wanted to let you know how AWESOME it is being a vampire! You'd love it. Seriously. Its great! You're all fast and strong and spending forever with the one you love. Its the best. Too bad you can't be one of us. Oh well."

And then i skipped off to plan my first task for tomorrow.

'When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.'

That would be easy. After all. I'm a very tappy person.


	2. Unicorns, Elevators and Bruno

"Bella!" I hissed, poking the sleeping girl with the end of Charlie's toothbrush. "Wake up! I have to ask you something!"

Poke.

She stirred.

Poke.

She began to mumble in her sleep. "Edward...Edward, bite me! Look, yummy Bella blood! Mmmmmm! Yum yum yum!"

Poke.

Her eyes fluttered open. She took one look at me leaning over her bed, my face inches from hers, and began to scream.

"AHHHHHHH!"

I sat patiently at the end of her bed, twiddling my thumbs, letting her get it out of her system.

"AHHHHHHH!"

Twiddle, twiddle.

"Emmett! What the heck are you doing here!?" she yelled.

I smiled pleasantly. "I wanted to ask you a question." I explained calmly.

"At five o'clock in the morning??!!" she screeched.

I was puzzled. "Is there something wrong with five o'clock in the morning?"

Just then, Edward came back in through the window, wearing a fresh shirt.

"Emmett, what are you doing in Bella's room at five o'clock in the morning?"

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING? WHAT DID THESE PEOPLE HAVE AGAINST FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING?

"I am here," I replied, "To ask Bella a question about my quest, which has been presented to me by UNICORNS!" I did my unicorn dance, which I had been perfecting overnight.

"Wait, what?"

"The list! The elevator list!" I sang.

"What does that have to do with unicorns?" Bella asked.

I lowered my voice. "A list this magical could only have been written by unicorns! It was especially for me!"

Edward snorted.

"You sound like Bucky. The largest unicorn." I informed him. "He snorts alot too!"

"Right. So what was the question, Emmett?" Bella asked impatiently.

I put my hands on her cheeks, squishing them together. "Woman! You must tell me where I can find an ELEVATOR!"

"An Elwewator?"

"No! Not an 'elwewator', an ELEVATOR!"

"I on't ow, ut if ou on't let go i'n gonna ave oo go oo a ospidal!"

I let go of her cheeks (which by the way, were VERY soft. Mental note - ask Bella where she buys her moistriser..)

"The hospital!" I yelled triumphantly. "There is a elevator in the hospital! I must go at once!"

Bella and Edward just stared at me.

"Bless you! The unicorns will watch over you for eternity!" I kissed their earlobes.

When I got home, I decided I would take Rose's car. But because it was impolite to take things without asking, i yelled, "Rose! Can i take your convertible for my first task?"

"No Way, Emmett! Not a chance! No no no! N-O, what does that spell? NO! NO!"

I took that as a yes.

I always liked taking Rose's car. It was pretty and shiny and had the best music! Edward's car had stupid music, slow, with no words. But Rose had all my favourites!

_I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world!_

or...

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?_

I knew every word!

When i arrived at the hospital, I parked Rose's car in the middle of the road.

I ran to the elevator. The only person in it was an old lady. Probably in the hospital for hip replacement or some other, unnescersary procedure.

He he, I thought to myself, you shall be my victim!

_'When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.'_

I stretched out my hand and....

Tap, tap, tap!

She twitched and veeeeeeeery slowly, using her walking stick, she began to turn around.

A hundred years later, she was facing me.

"Did you want something, sonny?" she asked kindly.

"Huh?"

She looked puzzled. "I thought you tapped me on the shoulder? "

"No."

"Hmmmm.."

Again, she veeeeeeeeery slowly turned back.

So.....tap, tap, tap!

She didn't bother to turn around. "Yes?"

"I didn't do anything granny!" He he he.

She looked extremely offended. "My name is Bruno, and I'm a man thank you very much!"

The door opened and sh..._he _hobbled out.

Wow. Not the reaction I was hoping for, but oh well!

I walked back to the car and drove home.

"How did the quest go, Em?" asked Esme.

I smiled sweetly."I made friend!"

"Thats great! Good for you!"

"Esme?" I whined.

"Yeah?"

"Can I change my name to Bruno?"


	3. Psychics, Dreams and Family Meetings

"Come on, Alice! You've got to look HARDER!"

"Emmett!" She glared at me, ripping off the purple veil I had forced over her hair. "Stop it!"

"Look into the crystal ball....." I whispered spookily as I shoved it under her nose. "Tell me what you see!"

"NOTHING!" she screamed. "This is a colored, plastic ball you got from some two year olds bouncy castle!"

"Noooooo!" I hissed. "Its real! Tell me what you see! Do you see me successfully completing the unicorn list? Do you? Tell me Lola! Do you?"

"Hang on, what did you just call me?"

I sighed impatiently. "Lola. The smallest unicorn."

"Emmett, I....."

"BRUNO!" I bellowed, "How many times do I have to tell you? My real name is Bruno!"

She grinned and danced in circles around me. "Emmett, Emmett, Emmett! Emmie-Poo, Em, Em, Em Emmett!"

"No!" I covered my ears and fell to the ground on my knees.

"Ok. Bruno, then." she gave in. "I looked into the plastic ball!"

I gasped. "You did!?"

She nodded, smiling sweetly. "Do you want to know what I saw?"

"Oh yes! Yes yes yes!"

"Ok." she beckoned for me to come closer and she leaned in to whisper in my ear. "I saw....."

I nodded and waited eagerly.

"I saw...that your name is, and always will be... EMMETT!" she cackled evilly, shoved the plastic ball into my mouth and ran off.

I sat pouting. Why was it that my family never supported my dreams? This was like the time I wanted a pet rhino for pet day at school. I found one I wanted. I named him Herman. But no. They wouldn't let me keep him. I tried very hard to reason with them. I promised I would keep him on a leash at all times. But still they would not give in. They tempted me away from Africa with the promise of a chocolate bar. It was only when I arrived home that I remembered I couldn't eat chocolate.

Well, Bruno Cullen wasn't standing for this! If they wanted to shatter my dreams, I would shatter theirs! And I would complete my beloved list! The unicorns would not be let down!

First thing was first. Time to shatter my so-called "Family's" dreams!

I would start with Edward. I found him reading.

"Edward!" I rejoiced, carefully making myself think of Rosalie so he would block my thoughts.

"What do you want?"

"I would just like to inform you that your dream of being able to read minds is both childish and unrealistic. You will never achieve your goal. Give up now or forever hold your peace. Amen." I smiled, proud of myself for being so mature and cultured.

"You surprise me each and everyday," Edward said. So he noticed my mature attitude too! "I had no idea anyone could be so stupid. Its absolutely incredible." he shook his head. "Go away, Emmett."

"My name is Bruno." I yelled as I skipped out of the room.

I went to Rose and my room and hid behind the mirror. Soon enough, Rose came to check herself out.

"Rosalie Hale!" I hissed. "You are not the fairest of them all!" There. Rose's dream shattered in 8 words. Job well done.

I could imagine how her jaw would drop. "What?" she screeched. "Who the hell _is_ then?"

Then a stroke of genius hit me. "Isabella...."

"No. No, please! No!"

"...Swan!"

"NOOOOO!"

"Yes."

"Oh, mirror! What must I do to be the fairest of them all?" she pleaded desperately.

"Two things. First. You must tie Bella up and put her in a mountain lion costume. Cover it in ketchup and leave it in the woods where Edward is hunting tonight."

"Yes. Yes. What else?"

"Buy Bruno a pet rhino and help him with the rest of his elevator list."

"Wait, who?"

I sighed. "Emmett."

"Oh. Ok." And she ran off.

My next victim was the evil pixie.

"Oh, Lola?"

"Yes, _Emmett_?"

"Bruno."

"Yes, _Emmett_?" she repeated.

I gave in. "I just received some devastating news."

"Ha ha. I was wondering when you'd find _that_ out." she snickered.

"Find what out?" I always got nervous when Alice's laughing sounded like nutty chocolate bars.

"Oh. Never mind. What was your devastating news?"

I pretended to be forlorn. "They've put a height limit on who can shop. You have to be over 5'3."

She gave a yelp. "But I'm 5'2!"

"I know. But hey! Now Bella can shop for _you_!"

She choked. "Thisisnothappening!" she screamed and darted out the door. I noticed there was suddenly a note was on the table addressed to Carlisle and Esme.

_Gone to murder government._

_Back soon._

_Don't let Bella in the mall UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!_

_Love,_

_Alice._

He he he.

I decided to leave my dream-shattering at those three.

Bella was going to be tortured enough by Rose. Carlisle and Esme were cool. And Jazz would just make my life hell with too many emotions if I messed with him.

And anyway. I had a list to finish!

I had decided to spare Rosalie from the second task, after all. She _was _buying me a rhino.

I set off to the hospital for the second time. This time, I ran taking Rosalie's I-pod with me.

" _Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more."_

This was all I had to do. Easy! I thought as a boarded the elevator.

There were two people in the elevator this time. Some electrician person and a nurse...who was a guy!

"Ha! Dude! You just ruined EVERY SINGLE nurse fantasy I EVER had!" I teased him with a shudder.

His eyes filled with tears and he ran from the lift screaming, "Well I try my best to look good! But thats just not enough for some people is it? There's only so many short skirts a guy like me can wear!"

This left me with electrician guy who tried to make small talk.

"Just finished work this morning on this puppy ."

"What did you just call me?"

"Nothing....I..."

I gave him my best menacing glare and reached to touch the buttons. Nothing happened, but I let my body vibrate and groaned loudly in 'pain'.

Sparky was beside himself. "Oh god! I knew I shouldn't have connected the blue to the....WHAT IF I'VE KILLED HIM!?"

I decided to abort the 'going back for more' part for now and torment Sparks just a tiny bit more.

"Oh the pain!" I yelled as I fell to the ground shaking.

"I uh....water! I'm sure I read somewhere that water helped shocks! Yes....water."He fished around in his bag for his water bottle. "Aha!" he poured its entire contents over my face.

"You idiot!" I screamed, fighting a smile. "I'm water intolerant!"

"Oh NO!" he began to sob as I closed my eyes and stopped shaking. I stopped breathing and became very still.

"Crap! I've killed him! Oh my god! Oh my god!" he checked my pulse. "No pulse. Pale. Cold. He's gone." he sniffed. "Time of death. 14.57." he screamed.

Then the doors opened with a 'Ding' , I opened my eyes and stood up.

"Nice to meet you...." I glanced at his name tag. "...Rupert." Rupert..I like it.

He fainted. "Yeah. See ya later to you too....." I grumbled.

Ahhhh. Another task completed. The unicorns were going to be satisfied with my progress.

When I got home, there was quite a commotion. I didn't know what fight to turn to first. I settled for Edward and Bella, because Edward reminded me of Bucky (the largest unicorn. Remember?) and I liked Bucky far more than Lola.

"I don't care what you thought!" Bella was screaming at the Bucky copy-cat. "Trying to eat me WAS NOT NICE!"

"Bella, you were dressed as a mountain lion and you smelled great! What was I supposed to do?"

"Um, _NOT _EAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND?!?!!?"

He he he.....

Next, I turned to Rose, An animal control person, my adoptive parents and.....HERMAN!

"Oh Herman!" I rejoiced, throwing my arms around his horn.

"Off! Get off!" screamed the Animal catcher.

"Why?" but I got off anyway, I would have Herman forever and ever and....OMG! "Carlisle! Can we bite Herman so he'll live with me forever and ever and....."

Stupid, secretive Carlisle put his hand over my mouth.

"Riiiight," said Animal dude. "Yeah. You can't keep the rhino. He comes with me." And with a sad wave from Herman and a few tears, my rhino drove off into the sunset.

"I'm really gonna miss....wait! Where's Alice?" I looked around and saw her by a police car in the drive way. Jasper was holding her arms behind her back while she struggled against his hold, a policeman was staring at her with wide eyes as she shouted at him hysterically.

"No! You can't do this! This is so inhumane!" she began foaming at the mouth. (**A/N Can vampires foam at the mouth?)** "Bella. Awful. Hobo. Blifffffff....."

The officer shifted uncomfortably. "Ok. I'm gonna go now." he glanced at Jasper. "Tell her that there is no height restriction and...and that if she has any more trouble with that hobo named Bella, to call us. Ok?"

"Yes. Come on Alice. Go to your happy place. Lots of clothes....Bella under anesthetic....there you go...."

"Well!" I said loudly. "I think a family meeting is in order."

A few minutes later, we were all sitting around the kitchen table. Everyone was glaring at me for some reason I couldn't imagine. Everyone except Bella and Edward who were glaring at each other and Jasper who was crouched in the corner, facing the wall, muttering to himself, "Bad vibes...baaaad vibes....."

"Ok!" I smiled pleasantly at them all. "Todays been a bit boring for everyone, so I thought I'd excite you all with some news. First off. You'll all be ecstatic to know that my list is going great!" I waited fort everyone to start clapping. "Yes, thats the idea. Please hold your applause till the end. Second...(**there was a part of him and I didn't know how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for my blood.- Sorry! Couldn't resist!)** I am sensing that you all have an issue with my true name, Bruno." They all nodded. "So, from now on. You don't have to call me that anymore."

They all sighed in relief.

"My new name is Rupert."

**Hey! Hope you liked it! Please review! I'll update faster! Pinky-promise!**

**xo**


	4. Spainish Flu,Kidnapping and Rainbow Afro

**Yeah...this was pretty much a challange. How much could i write in 5 minutes? (without spellchek might I add!) So sorry bout all the mistakes and that. Grammer and punc was neva my strong points.....**

"Can I eat Bella....now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No!" yelled Edward.

"But i'm _thirsty!_" I whined.

"Go have a grizzly bear."

I stuck out my tongue at him and headed for the door. What a dipstick. What a third place at the olympics, hair. Stupid idiot can't even smile straight....

"Emmett!"

"Its RUPERT!" I screamed. "Rupey, if you're feeling fond of me..."

Laughter came from upstairs.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Emmet, can you...."

"RUPERT!" That was it. I was sooooo kidnapping Bella.

"Oh, no you didn't!"

I needed to create a distraction.....

"OH MY GOD, EDWARD! ITS SPAINISH INFLUENZA!" I pointed behind him.

"Eeeeeeeeek!" He screamed like a little girl and ran off in the direrection of the hospital yelling, 'Gotta get imunized...gotta get immunised...'.

He he. I trotted off to get Bella.

Knock, knock, knock.........ooooo! A special sound happened when i rapped on her window.....Knock...tee hee, more more!...knockety knock...hehe...

Before I cound knock again, Bella opened the window. "What do you want....Emme....._Rupert?_"

I gasped with delight. "You remembered? You sweet sweet girl!"  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you want?"

"I've come to kidnap you." I announced proudly.

She snorted. "Alice already used that one. It was the sleepover. Remember?"

"Ha! You call that kidnapping? I'll show you kidnapping!" I swung her over my shoulder and carried her down to where the potato sack and rope was waiting.

"Emmett!"

"Rupert!" I sang joyfully as I stuffed her into the sack and tied it up.

"Emmett, if you don't let me out, Edward will be onto you before you can say..."

"Rupert."

"N...No, I was going to say..."

I ran extra fast.

"Ahhhhhh! D...d....didn't..Ed...edward tell..l l...you I get....sick when I...I..you..ru... ru-BLUGH!"

"He sure did." I replied. "But, its ok. I won't run with you. I'm not THAT mean." Man. She was lucky I was in a good mood today.

"Uhhhhhh....."

"We're here, Bella!" I cried, opening the sack. "Bella...Why are you covered in spew?"

"Because you ran with me! You idiot!"

"Bella," I patted her head kindly. "I would never do that to you. That would be cruel and nasty. Lets go!" I propped her up on my shoulders and ran as fast as I could to the elevator.

"In...in..in!"

"No." She crossed her arms and legs and sat on the hospital floor.

"Bella. If you do not get into that elevator this instant, I will not hesitate in buying you a laptop. I-pod, expensive sports car and a...."

"Noooo!" She clamped her hans over her ears. "Don't buy me presents! Anything but presents!"

"Well. Then I suggest you get in the elevator before....OH NO!" I stuffed Bella into a nearby broom cuboard. "Code Bronze! Code Bronze!" I looked around desperatly for a hiding place. But Edward had turned the corner so I became a statue.

"Hi, Emmett." Edward said, glaring at me.

"I do not know who this Emmett is," I said out of the side of my mouth. "But I'm sure he is very hansome, strong, does not look anything like the statue you are giving the evils too and his NAME IS RUPERT!"

"Whatever." he said rolling his eyes. "You lied to me. You freak. The docter said there was NO spainish influenza outbreak at all. And to make matters worse, the needle wouldn't go through my skin. So now I'm still at risk."

"Don't care" I hissed. "I am just a statue. Stop talking to me."

"Anyway," he continued, "I'm off to find Bella. I've gotta get her immunized. Stupid spainish people....ruin everything..."

I relaxed when he walked away. "Phew. That was a close one. He almost had me for a second there...."

I opened the cuboard door. "Come on out."

"I hate you, Emmett." she mumbled as she untangled her self from the vacum cleaner.

"No, No, Bella. Its I hate you, _Rupert_." I corrected her.

She just walked off. "Silly, Bella, this way to the elevator." I threw her in.

"Well, as long as I'm here, i may as well have some fun." she sighed. "Do you have the list with you?"

"Nope. But i know it off by heart. I've made up a song to help me remember. Cue the music." I pointed to Bucky who sat in the corner off my head at his piano. Edward was tied to the top of it, bopping his head to the catchy tune.

"Bum. Bum. Buuuuum! Number one is the..."

"Emmett! Can you just telll me what number 3 is? Please?

Bucky, Edward and the fanfic readers began to cry. "Next time!" I whispered to them.

"Number three...number three.....Ah! Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones."

"Right!" cried Bella. "Lets do this thang!" she began to breakdance...well, maybe that was just in my hea....ooo, yeah..crump it girl!

Our victim, a boy who looked about 17 walked in. He had really big hair. It was like, an afro...but it was really cool. It was all rainbowy. It reminded me of a wig I had seen in the gift shop in the lobby of the hospital.

Bella was staring at him. "Bella! Stop looking at that guy like that!" the girl was engaged for unicorns sake!

Time to get this show on the road. "Can we press a button for you?" I asked the guy plesantly. His eyes were a wierd colour. Like....goldy and strange....hmmm. Gold eyes. That reminded me of something...but I couldn't quite put my finger on it....

"Erm. Jess tank you." he said. What a strange accent. "Nomba...six."

He he. What a shock you shall get. I ran my hands against all of the buttons except six. "Ha ha! Take that affy rowy!" I cackled evilly.

He just smiled. Noooo! He was meant to cry! But...that smile...it reminded me of something...it was all....lopsidy. Not straight. Hmmmmm.

And then something mind-boggling happened. Even more mind boggling than the latest childrens crossword in the newspaper. BELLA KISSED THE AFRO GUY! Yes! Yes! It happend!

**Shock horror! Who is mr afro guy? The first 5 people to review with the right answer will get their names in the story at some point! I have an amazing plan on how to put you all in! *Mwahahaha* Sorry about all the spelling mistakes! (Can anyone tell me how to spell immunized? immuniszed? Uh!) Any ideas on what should happen next? Yes? No? To get to the other side? 1.77245? REVIEW! (Or the unicorns will get you.....)**


	5. Mountain lion, Crossoints and The hulk

**Wow! Thanks to all the reviewers! I know who the first five were and you'll be appearing in the story soon! Thanks heaps!x**

**Enjoy!**

First things first, I thought as I galloped into the house, I must find the hose! Small glasses of water were not going to cut it this time.

"Edward!" I screamed, spraying myself with water. "I need to tell you something! Its very important!"

"Yes...Rupey?" he replied happily, stuffing something multi-coloured behind his back.

Oh, Edward, I thought miserably, spraying more water everywhere, why must I be the one to ruin your happy mood? "Edward. Dear sweet, Edward." I stroked his nose. "I am so sorry. But......" I fell to my knees. "BELLA IS CHEATING ON YOU!" Sob, sob, sob.

"Whatever do you mean, my brother?" he asked, smirking.

"Her...her taste buds no longer crave bronzey, crooked, bookwormy idiots." I moaned. "I left her in the hospital making out with some guy with great hair." I didn't let him answer. I didn't even look up. I couldn't bear to see the look on darling Eddie's face. "Its ok. I've got you covered, friend. Here are some tears." I sprayed him with the hose.

"Em...gurgle...Emmett! What the hell? Gurgle...stop spraying water at me!"

I turned off the hose. And stood up to comfort my brother. "Here." I whispered. "To ease the pain." I gave him the mountain lion plushie I had picked up for him at the hospital gift shop on the way out.

"Ummm....thanks. Yeah, I'm sure I'll use it every day."

"You don't seem very upset." I accused him. "Do you need more tears?" I reached for the hose.

"No!" he yelled. "For gods sake Emmett! You are no fun at all! You never take anything seriously, then when we play a joke on you, you're suddenly all Mr solenm! Jeez!"

I smiled. "Thank you. But this should really be more about comforting you than complimenting me." I said selflessly. All I had heard was...Emmett, you, Mr, Fun and joke. "But was this about the Bella in the mountain lion suit or the pink hair dye?"

"The pink what now?"

Oh. "Never mind." Just wait till he takes his next shower...he he he... **(A/N I'm tossing up right now between whether the pink hair dye should actually be part of the story at some point...Yes, No? Just wondering....)**

He sighed. "I am the afro guy, ok? That was payback for the...the.." He gulped. "Sp..spainish...in..flu..enza thing...." he shuddered.

My mouth dropped open. "You're afro guy? This explains sooo much!"

He smiled. "Yes, that was why Bella kissed me."

"No! No..no..no! It explains what you were doing for so long in France a few years back! You were accquiring a genuine french accent!....Is that...how you say....ummm, how do you say correct in french?...Oh! Right! Is that...Croissoint?"

He just stared at me for a long moment. "You worry me sometimes, Em. You really do. And no. I was in France doing a medical degree." He walked off. "Half-wit."

I grinned. All was well again on planet Emmett. I sighed, totally content....

Ok.

I was bored.

"Ha ha ha!" Hmmmmm, I strained my ears. Where was that laughter coming from? Upstairs.....

I gallumphed upstairs. Alice, Jazz and Rose were crowded around a computer, helpless with laughter. When the saw me, they straightened up and attempted to hide the computer from me.

"Hi, Emmett!" They chanted. "We're not watching anything."

"Oh. Ok then" I replied, turning to walk out the door.

"And that nothing has nothing to do with unicorns either." piped up Jasper.

Unicorns? "Unicorns! Lemme see!" I shoved them out of the way and saw some cartoon unicorns on the screen. "They're beautiful!" I breathed. "What are there names?" I pressed play from where they had paused it. My lovely unicorns came to life!

"Now, now, Emmett. They aren't real you know. Don't take it too seriousl....." Alice trailed off as I paused the video and rose out of my seat.

"Not...real." I whispered. "Wait...wait. Give me like...two minutes, K?" They all nodded as I sprinted out of the room.

Art corner...gotta find my art corner..I checked every corner in the house and then...Aha! There it was!

Now. Green paint......Yes! I took my top off and painted my chest green, then put my top back on and raced upstairs.

"Ok. I'm back. Lets take it from the top." I sat back in my chair. "Alice say your line again." They all sighed.

"Don't take it too seriously they aren't real?"

Yeeeees! "Not real?" I whispered again rising out of my seat.

"Not real?" I spoke a teensy bit louder.

Then......"NOT REAL!" I tore off my top revealing my awwwwwwwesome green chest. Oh yeah. Thats it. I am the hulk!

Alice screamed and ran away. Jasper ran after her but Rose stayed. "You don't scare me."

"ROAR!"

"Eeeek!"

She was gone too. He he. It was now time to watch the video.

"Candy mountain, Charlie." was all I needed to hear.

It was now obvious what I had to do to be accepted by the unicorns.

I got out my phone. "Yes? Is this Candy's candy?.....Yes. I'm gonna need 6000 gummy lollies. And make it snappy!"

**Did ya like it? I hope so! Review, coz Bucky is feeling slightly irritable today....**


	6. Short chapter, celery and peanut butter!

**So, yeah. I had 10 mins on the computer and I was like...no, I shan't write a teny little bit of Emmetts 16 fun things to do in an elevator. I mean, who wants to read a load poorly written garbage? And then I was like...YOU DO! So yeah. I'm gonna come back and fix all the spelling mistakes. So if you are mortally offended by spelling mistakes...well, thats just sad really. **

"Can I have _one_?"

"No."

"Half of one?"

Edward shook his head. "No, Bella. Those lollies are tainted by Emmett's stupidness, therefore it would infect you. And I really cannot have that happen."

Bella pouted. "But I REALLY like gummy lollies..."

"YES! YES! Keep them coming!" I yelled to the truck driver. "Dump them over there! Those yummy lollies...mmmmmm."

Bella whimpered.

"You sound like Cindy." I told her. "She's the most pathetic unicorn...." Edward slapped me.

"How about I just sniff..."

"NO!" Edward yelled. "Emmett, is it really, truly nescerssary to buy ALL of this confectionary? We don't even eat...."

"Would I do something stupid and pointless?" I asked sweetly.

"You do. All the time."

I glared at him. "Hey, Bella. Look at this... " I picked up a particularly juicy looking gummy bear and licked it. "Mmmmmm!"

"Gum...gum...gummy bear."

Edward scooped Bella up. "We're going to buy you a nice tasty piece of celery....."

Ok. I had so far gotten 3000 gummy lollies delivered. That was a quater of the 6000 I had ordered....I think....So once the rest were delivered I would start my climb.

And then it occured to me. Obviously this was another quest sent to me from unicornland. Therefore, it would not be easy. I had no idea might await me during this trecharous journey. Rats? Spanish influenza? A gorrilla? I had no idea. 'I must be well equipped!' I thought to myself.

So I set out to Newtons Olympic Outfitters!

He he. The bell on the door made a funny noise. Ding.....ding ding.....dingdingdingdingding! He he he. Ding ding ding. Ding ding ding. Ding ding all the way! Ding ding ding, it is ro run, in a ding ding ding ding sleigh! Hey!

"Hem Hem. Can I help yo....Oh No."

"Oh yes!" I sang, skipping towards Mike. I smiled pleasently. He turned rather pale.

"H..h...how...can....can....i..i..i..."

I checked my watch. "Any day now."

"B...be...of....s...s....s....s..."

I smacked his back. "ervice."

"Ok. I'm gonna need tramping boots, an umbrella, rat replellant, influenza injections, peanut butter, rhinoserous spray, a laptop, a cumpus...." I ticked everything off on my fingers. ".....and a few of your toenail clippings." He he. Rose was currently reading me a book on voodoo.

"Sorry. My what?"

"Toenail clippings."

"We don't stock peanut butter."

"Did you have peanut butter on toast for breakfast this morning?"

"Yes."

"Then all i will need is a sharp axe....."

**I'll update sooner if you review! And if you don't.....well, as you've just read, Emmett now has an axe...so, yeah. Its really in your best interests to review.**

**Ps: If you had peanut butter on toast for breakfast, I'd be extra frightened. **


	7. Ambulance, Imposter and SHOCK! HORROR!

"Thanks Mikey! I won't forget this!"

"Neither will I." Mike whispered as the ambulance officer closed the doors.

Silly Mike. Never assume Emmett Cullen is joking. Never.

Anywoodles, now that the shop was unattended, I was free to stroll the aisles. Yeeees. Boots! Tents! Wait...wheres the peanut butter? Peanut butter.....aisle four? Nope. Stupid store. What kinda store doesn't stock peanut butter?

Ah, well. No matter, I thought. Time to try the supermarket.

After whizzing around on the magical whizzy thingymabobs of joy (trolleys) I remembered why I was there. To buy jam.

No.

That can't be right.

Peanut butter.

Thats the one. So I asked the shop assistant "Where can I find peanut butter..um, Sorry. I don't know your name.." like it matters.

"Charlie."

OMAUFOJTPAH!!!! (Oh my amazing unicorn friends of joy truth peace and happiness)

"Chaaaaaaarlie!"

"Yes. As I have just informed you, that is my name."

"Chaaaaaaaarlie!"

"Yeah? What?"

"Chaaaaaaaaaaaaarlie!"

"WHAT!?"

"We're in a supermarket, Charlie."

"Oh. Yes. I suppose we are. Now, what can I help you with sir?"

"Chaaaarlie?"

"Yeah...."

"Where is your horn, Chaarlie?"

"My what?"

"You're horn, Chaarlie!"

"Um. I...I don't have a..a horn."

"Chaarlie?"

"Look, can I help you with something or are you just going to...."

"Tell me how to get to candy mountain, Chaaaarlie."

Ha ha. I had him now. This was the true test.

"Ummm, around the corner as far away from me as possible."

"HA!" I screamed jumping up and down. "YOU ARE NOT CHARLIE THE UNICORN AFTER ALL! YOU ARE AN IMPOSTER! IMPOSTER!!" I grabbed the voice over thingy majig I had seen people at the supermarket use before. But instead of calling 'Ann, clean up on aisle three. I repeat, clean up on aisle three.' I yelled as loud as I could..."LADIES AND UNICORNS! THE MAN THAT STANDS BESIDE ME, IS NOT ACTUALLY CHARLIE THE UNICORN! HE IS AN IMPOSTER! That is all."

Then I skipped to the peanut butter aisle.

Crunchy or smooooth. Crunchy or smoooth. What would the unicorns do? Bucky would snort. Lola would grab whatever was on the lowest shelf and Cindy would start crying and mumbling something about changing her to a vamptastic unicorn. Silly Cindy.

I decided on crunchy. Because crunchy is....well. To be honest, I don't really know why I chose crunchy. Call it unicorns intuition shall we?

Anyway, when I got home I could hear Bella aka cindy having the usual argument with Edward aka Bucky.

"Please! Edward! You have to change me! Please!"

"Edward, you really _should_ change Bella's nappy. It must be getting rather uncomfortable for her right now." I reasoned with him calmly before strolling outside to become the first earthling to ever climb the candy mountain.

But there was already someone else out there.

"Hello, Emmett. You're too late. Candy mountain has already been conquered."

**A/N**

**Emmett: **Noooooooooo!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Yeeeeeees!

**Emmett: **How could you do this to me? Nasty, nasty fanfic writer! *Hits me with a jar of peanut butter*

**Yeah. Whatever. Emmett told me he needed a chance to get revenge on me. Yeah, great revenge, Em. The peanut butter jar of dooooom!**

**Emmett: **Thats what you think! *jar starts ticking*

**Yeah yeah. Build a bridge. Anywoodles, I decided the afro dude (aka Edward) comp was a teeeeny bit easy. So that one is scratched. The first person to review with the name of the person who has conquered candy mountain before Emmett...**

**Emmett: **Why!? Why me!?

…**.Gets to STAR in the story. Simple. Yeah. K. So review! Or...**

**Emmett:** YOU WILL SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR OF DOOOOOM!


	8. Drunk Bella, Unilanguage and Bonnie

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **You are all PATHETIC! None of you got it right.

**Emmett: **Does this mean ANOTHER competition at the expense of MY happiness.

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Yuppers.

**Emmett:** I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Now, now. Be nice. Or I might just kill the entire unicorn population...

**Emmett:** Noooo!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles:** Then be good and just read.

"YOU!"

"Yes, me." said Charlie the unicorn, prodding me with his horn.

"How could you? Conquering candy mountain has been my lifelong dream ever since chapter five!" I sobbed, dabbing peanut buttery tears all over my cheeks.

"Yeah, well, becoming a zebra has been my lifelong dream ever since I saw that documentary on Animal planet, but you don't see me crying about it." he said, starting to cry.

"You want some peanut butter?" I offered.

"Thanks." he took a hooffull.

"So...how did you find out about my plans, resulting in the shattering of my dreams?"

Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: *looks sideways and deletes the txt message of evil*

Charlie kicked a gummy bear in my eye and trotted down candy mountain. "Never you mind." and he clip clopped down the driveway.

Ah, well. My dream of being the first to climb candy mountain was shattered. But my dream of putting Bella on a HUUUUGE sugar high was not. And my unicorn list was far from shattered (I had laminated it).

"Bella! Where's Eddie-poo?" As long as one dream was down the uni-litter, didn't mean the rest had to be....

"He went hunting." She mumbled, sounding more like Cindy than ever. "I think he got sick of hearing me begging him to change me."

"Maybe we could potty train you...?"

She just glared.

"So, since third-place-medal hair is out of the way, how about you eat your way through candy mountain and we go complete number four on the list of wonder?"

"Sure! Mmmmm...."

3 hours, 4539 gummy bears, 239 milk bottles, 85 liquor chocolates and 4 vodka shots later and Bella was not only on a high, but drunk too....things were going better than I'd planned....

"......and then I shaid...'I've never given musch thought to howi'd dieeeee' But...*snort* I really gave LOTSH of thought to howsh I'd diee!" Bella broke down in giggles.

"Ha. Um. Ha ha." I said awkwardly. "Another vodka shot, Bella?"

"Yesh! Sure fing...." She chugged it back. "Mmmmm...Yummy. Butsh...*snort* its no...irritable grizzly!"

"Right. Yeah. How about we do the unicorn list now?"

"Mmmmmm...."

"Ok, but before we go...." I pulled out a video camera. "Do the unicorn dance!"

"Wha?"

"...In a unicorn suit. Pop it on now."

She popped it on.

"Now dance, bitch, dance!"

She danced.

"Now tell me how hot Edward is."

"Eward ish a shvexy...."

"How sexy?"

"He'sh, tooo shvexy for my shirt, to shvexy for my shirt..."

She started taking off the unicorn costume and then fainted.

"Bella! No! Wake up! It was getting so good! Noooo!" I slapped Bella repeatedly. "Noooo! Stupid Cindy!"

I took out my trusty shovel and buried her in the remaining candy mountain with the video tape in her mouth. Tee Hee.

Ok, I pulled out the magical list of hope and magic.

_4. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"_

Ah. A timeless classic.

There were 4 people in the elevator when I got on. A little girl who looked about 7, her doll, a dog and a pregnant woman.

"Uniello!" I greeted them in unicorn language **(You take away the first letter of the word and add uni.).** Uniow unire uniou unioday?"

They just stared at me.

Ah. I should have known. They only speak native unicorn.

"Snorklin. Snorkikkly snopp snorlings?"

"Snorkly snorp snorkulop." answered the little girl.

"Srokky snotn snortling?"

"Snorfikly sroffle."

Now that was just rude.

"Snoyip snoople?" she asked.

I ignored her.

The dog walked out on the next floor and I held the door open.

"I'm waiting for a friend."

Awkward silence.

"Snorg-"

"Shut up."

More awkward silence.

I let the doors go.

"Hi, Greg. Hows your day be-.." A hand stopped the door closing and a man with black hair wearing a yellow top walked in.

"Phew!" he said. "My big red car broke down on the motorway. Oh, hi Murray! My days been great!" He threw his arms around my neck. "Gimme some sugar!" He planted a big, wet sloppy one on me. Ewwww!

"Snortloo snortly...."

"Oh don't be so freaking smug!" I spat at the girl.

"Wait! You're not Murray! Its so OVER!" screamed Greg, storming out.

"Relationships." sighed the little girl wisely. "They all end ugly."

I nodded.

"Hey, you're not Edward Cullen's brother...are you?"

"Why yes. Yes I am."

She clutched the doll so tight I could almost hear it scream. "He's so cool! I love his volvo!"

Meanwhile the sweet, innocent doll was pleading 'Emmett! Help me! She dresses me up and feeds me soggy bread in milk! In milk, Emmett! I'm lactose intolerant!'.

"I'll give you that volvo! And I'll make Edward be your slave for a day. On one condition. Iget your doll!"

Her eyes lit up. "Sure!" she handed it over. "Bonnie hasn't been so cheerful lately anyway.""Yeah! Because you've been feeding her nasty gluten contaminated food! Skank!" I bitch slapped her and ran home.

"Emmett, seen Bella around?" Edward looked distressed. Ha! He thinks he freaked now! Wait till he finds out his beloved volvy-poo is missing to a seven year old!

"No. Bella's such a _sweet_ girl though!" Bonnie giggled. "You'll find her soon though Eddie. Before you're _over the hill_" He he. I so funny.

"Ummm, whats with the doll?"

"Oh, yeah. Some kid gave her to me."

"And what did you give them?"

"Ummmm...I gave them...Edward. This might be a good time to tell you that Bella is buried in Candy mountain, in a unicorn suit with a video in her mouth that will change your life."

Then I ran.

**Reviiiiiiiiiiiew!**


	9. Bouncy! , Wieners and Shower baseball

**Edward:** I hate you. You cruel and nasty author. I will never be your boyfriend and I'm turning of my sparkle....now! *flicks off sparkle switch*

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Nooooo! Must....flick....switch...back....on....or....will..die...

**Edward: ***beats myboyfriendedwardsparkles off with stick* Just carry on with the damn story...

"Ooooo! Edward! The photos have arrived!" I squealed. "You'll have to believe me now!"

Edward didn't look up. "Gotta be round here somewhere..." he muttered, checking under a vase of flowers.

I sighed. How magical the land of denial is... "Bucky, your Volvo now belongs to a little girl. There are pictures here that prove it. Don't be such a Oswald."

"The pshyco unicorn!" piped up Bonnie.

"Correct!" I awarded Bonnie with a gold star. "Oh, Edward. Edward...Edward...Edward....Wait till you see what she did to it...."

He grabbed the photos off me and began to sift through them. "No! No! How could she do this?" he screamed, falling to his knees. "EVERYONE knows that a pink volvo is just.....NOOO! Sequins? Oh God....oh no...Why!? Why me?! What have I done to deserve....NOT POM POMS! Noooo!" he tore up the photos, ran to his room and slammed the door.

"3....2....1..."

"AHHHHHHH! THEY'RE FREAKING EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE!"

"And I laminated them." I said happily. Laminated stuff is the one thing vampires cannot destroy. "No need to thank me." I sang. "Now your room has a theme."

"AHHHHH!"

"Awww...." I elbowed Alice who happened to be passing by. "He's so happy."

It was at that point, Bella decided to emerge. She looked scary. Scarier than Oswald on a bad day. She was clutching her head like it was the lost key to unicorn kingdom.

"Oww....You did this to me." she growled as she shoved past. "Stupid unicorn-obsessed vampire who has access to alcohol....mutter mutter.."

"Did you sleep well?" I asked, bouncing into the kitchen.

She didn't answer. "Unicorn got ya tongue?"

"Go away."

"No." Bouncy bounce, on the spot, bouncy bounce, bounce a lot!.

"Get lost."

"But I know everywhere around here. Plus I own a cumpus. Mike gave it to me." Bouncy bounce. Wonder how Mike is. Maybe I should visit him at the hospital...Bouncy bounce.

"What do I have to say to get rid of you?" she moaned.

"Ok...." Bouncy bounce. "Guess who I am." Bounce bounce.

"Rupert?"

"Nope." Bounce bounce.

"Oooo! I know!" screamed Bonnie waving her hand in the air. "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Bruno?"

"Non." Bounce bounce. Stupid girl, I'm giving her clues here. _Bounce bounce_.

"For unicorns sake! Don't ask her! Ask me! I'm a freaking cabbage patch kid for crying out loud!" squealed Bonnie.

"Ummm...." Bella poured herself some coffee.

"One more guess..." I warned her. _Bouncy bounce._

"If you mess this up, bitch, me and my mates attack! I'm serious. Do you KNOW how strong you get after eating cabbage for a solid five years?"

"Ok." said Bella, taking a large swig of coffee, "I'm ready. I think you're....You? Are you just Emmett today?"

"I WARNED YOU!" screamed Bonnie, jumping out of my arms and flying at Bella. "Feel pain you stupid non-unicorn-informed idiot!"

"Who are you then, Emmett?" She asked, ignoring Bonnie who was biting her fingernails off.

"I am.....KONGEE!"

"I....bite...knew...bite..that...bite."

"Who's Kongee?"

Bonnie and I both gasped.

"Knongee," I replied, shaking. "Is the middle Unicorn. Whos greatest ambition is to become....."

"....A professional kangeroo." finished Bonnie, who had finished with the fingernails and had moved on to the elbow.

"Hello? The bouncing?" Bounce bounce.

"Huh." Bella shrugged "Good to know. I'd better go comfort Edward now. He's gonna need a lot of counseling."

"Ooooo! Oooo! Pick me! I'm a great counselor!" I would be so great. I could picture it now. A couch. Edward lying on it, professing his undying passion for unicorn kind.....

"Don't call us...we'll call you." she said, heading upstairs with Bonnie hanging off her elbow.

* * *

Sigh.

I was now bored.

So I pulled out.....

"The list." sighed Jasper walking past.

"Number......FIVE! _5. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" _Its pure genius."

On the way to the hospital, I decided I was going to visit Mike.  
Man, I thought. Mike sure is lucky to have a friend like me.

The elevator had two people in it when I got on. They looked like wierdos.

The guy was wearing this.... thing. It was black and a long thing hung down off his throat like a tail that came from his neck.....but it was blue. And the woman? Seriously, what were those things on her hoofs? Ahhh! I was sure I had heard Alice mention them....Pie meals! Thats it. Although could've been live eels.....Woman. Pfff.

"Uniello." I greeted them.

"Pardon?"

Sigh.

They were obviously foreigners.

"Gutentag!" Ha ha. I knew getting Bella to read me the 'Fritzer's Wieners' napkins would pay off!

Tail-out-of-neck guy said "Ah! Wie geht's?"

Um....Think wieners..think wieners...Oh no! Don't think wieners....Um.. "Tinggy tongy tooby bob." Yus. I'm smooooth.

"Entschuligung. Ich verstehe nicht...?"

Uh oh....think of distraction...I should probably do the task now...I dug in my pockets for the pen I...forgot. All that was there was a forgotton moldy wien.....ugh....sausa....no....frankfur....Oh well. It would do. I dropped it.

It landd near the womans pie meals. Fly wheels? High treels? Nigh Heels?

"Oh my!" she gasped. "Sweetums! The German boy just...his..."

"Thats mine!" I sang in an opera voice.

Her husband saw the wiener. "I...It...its his...." Then he fainted! There he lay, as pathetic as Cindy, his neck tail flapping all over his face. Ha! How I laughed.

"Honey-pie! Oh God! Nurse! Doctor! Help!"

"Would you like some peanut butter?" I offered.

She just shook her head.

"Its cruuuun-chyyy!" I tempted.

"Aren't you in pain?" She asked, slapping her husband.

"Oh. That was just something I forgot to eat. Ah! Let me help." I smeared peanut butter over his face.

"Some...something you forgot to...to eat?" She turned greener than Lola when she saw Oswald eat Bucky's left hoof.

"Uh huh. I had two. And I ate one and I was saving that one for later but I guess I forgot about it." I explained. "Hmmm, peanut Butter doesn't seem to be working....maybe we need smooth...."

"You had..two?"

I blushed. Well....no. I didn't blush. But if I were Bella, Danm straight I would've blushed. "I know I know. I'm greedy." I mean...I don't even like sausages! I just made Edward buy me one when I tagged along on one of his and Cindy's date because...really...he needs to spend his money on something other than lathering his piano in.....

"Wha...whats happening? Wheres the....." the tail man opened his eyes and.... Bing! Pop goes the weasel! I mean....pop goes the elevator doors. Note to self: Must track down this mysterious weasel.....

"Come sweetums....lets get out of here...." the strange green lady said, shooting a Jane-worthy glare at me.

"Enjoy the peanut buter!" I called after them.

What to do now....?

I really didn't feel like leaving so I put on a doctors coat and called "EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY IN ROOM 368! YUP, THE ONE RIGHT AT THE TOP OF THE BUILDING! I WILL NEED EVERY NURSE TO HELP ME! GO, BITCHES, GO!"

Then I went to the nurses station and played with the black things that look like headphones.

Fun times.

But I had this feeling.....I had forgotten something...MIKE! I must visit him!, I thought. I checked his filey thingy on the computer. It turns out, Mike is WAY weirder than we thought....The world had a right to know.....so I printed it out.

To Mikes room!

* * *

"...and then, what should fall out of his pants? But a....."

"Ahem." I smiled sweetly.

"AHHH! Its him!"

"Its ok, mum. He's just....."

"Mum? You're MIKES mum?" I asked. Well, that explained why she was green, given Mikes...'Condition'....

"Axey!" screamed Mike, clutching his stomach.

"German guy!" yelled Mike's Dad.

"I'm confused." I admitted. "And when I get confused, I run and hide in Bella's shower. So....bye."

And I galloped off.

Ahhhh...Bella's sweet strawberry scented shower. So relaxing....so fruity.....

"WHAT ARE _YOU _DOING HERE?"

"Oh! Hi Charlie." I dropped Bella's shampoo bottle. "Hmmm, nice name. Chaaarlie. Tee he. Cha-a-arlie!"

He blinked. "OUT!"

"Oh. Are we playing shower baseball? Oooo! Oooo! Can be James? Please? Ooo! And the shampoo bottle can be Bella, coz it smells yummy, and the....."

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE OR I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOU....."

"Edward is a stripper." I blurted out.

"What?"

And I ran away.

Tee he.

**Hope you liked it! **

**Edward: **God knows I didn't. Did you SEE what he did to my room?

**Bella: **And you all wonder why I never get laid....the disturbing bedroom doesn't help ya know!

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles:** Ok. I'll make it up to you my sweet little cupcake....

**Bella:** *head perks up hopefully*

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **EDWARD! Anyway, if it makes you feel uncomfortable to live in a room full of photos of a de-faced volvo....COME HOME WITH ME!

**Bella: **Edward....

**Edward: **Sure. I would also like to declare my undying love for you and that I truly think Bella is a slut. Lets go! (ha. I love being author)

*Edward and MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles skip off into the sunset*

**Ahem.....sorry. That was out of line. Won't happen again. **

**Ahem. Anyway, review! Coz Emmett still has that axe...and Bonnie is feeling deprived of cabbage. …..**


	10. HAPPY UNICORN'S DAY!

**Sorry this is tiny with no elevator stuff but...well....see A/N at end of chapter and ypu'll see why...*smacks evil father***

"Emmett?"

"Yeeees mother of mine?"

"Isn't there something you would like to say to me....? All the other kids have."

Ah. I could see where she was going with this. "OMU! Sorry ! Happy....."

She nodded.

"UNICORN DAY!"

"No, Em, actually I was referring to m...."

"....and here's your uni-horn!" I strapped it around her head. "I made one for everyone! Out of old toilet rolls that I stole from Mike's house and string!"

"Thank you dear, but actually, you've forgotten that today is moth....."

"No time to stay and chat! I must distribute the horns to all the family! Then we will sing carols! And then I'll go around town and share my Unicorn day cheer with EVERYONE! Tootles!

And off I trot singing..."Randolf the green horned unicorn! Had a very grassy horn! And if you ever saw it, you'd really want to mow your lawn! All of the other Uni's, used to laugh and call him names. Once they even set him on fire, his horn went up in greenish flames....."

"Ok, what?"

"Flames, Edward! Flames!"

The non-beleiver looked sideways. "Riiight...."

He stared at the ground and I grinned at him.

"This is awkward," he mumbled. "I'm going to change the subject...."

"Ooooo! Can I come? Please?" I would never pass up a good road trip.

"What? I'm confused....I'm gonna go see Bella now...so see you later..."

Now I was confused. "Wait, a minute ago you were gonna go to change the subject, now you're going to Bella's house?"

Edward just stood itching his chin. (Did he have chin lice?) Then he stuck his fingers in his ears. "I refuse to listen to you any more. You only make my brain hurt!

"Shucks."

"Goodbye. And don't follow me!"

I followed him.

I was trying to be sneaky and keep out of sight, but he _juuuuust_ caught sight of me when I jumped out at him singing 'Randolf the green horned unicorn' at the top of my lungs. Dammit.

"Emmett! I thought I told you not to follow me!?" Bucky bellowed.

"Yes. You did."

"Then why did you follow me?"

"Why not?"

"Uhhh!" He stormed up to the door.

It swung open. Edward opened his mouth to greet Chaaaaaaarlie but I was quicker.

"Happy Unicorn day to youuuu! Happy Unicorn day to youuuuuu! May your horn stay on tightly and you not get Uniflu!" I popped the party poppers and put horns on Bucky, Cindy and Chaaaaaarlie's heads.

"Wooooo!"

They stared at me.

I set off my last party popper. "Weeeeeeeee."

"Leave. Now."

"But Bucky...."

"Or I will tell Rose about the mountain lion suit incident."

"You play dirty. Fine. But before I go..." I wiped a peanut butter tear from my cheek. "I would just like to let Chaaaaarlie know that what I told him last night was true. And that Bella has been paying Edward out of her college fund for his.....services..."

Charlie began to turn purple.

Edward began to turn...well, he didn't turn anything, but shall we imagine he turned a pretty shade of gold? Perhaps pink? With sparkles? And horns? Yes. We shall.

"EMMETT!" he screamed, "You....I......stripper....me.....Bella....Charlie...."

"No..No, Edward its pronounced Chaaaaarlie. Its a silent 'H'."

"You...I....Stripper..."

"I can see that we are getting nowhere." I sighed. "And I have many barrels of Unicorn day cheer to deliver so....bye.

And I set off to spread my cheer amongst the town people of Forks.

I already had my mind made up about where to visit first.

'Forks home for Elderly.'

All I could hope now was that not toooo many of them were faint hearted.

**There! *wipes sweat off forehead* I had to get it all done in the space of....18 minutes! Can you beleive I only get 30mins on the computer a night? I know! If I had it my way I'd update all my stories EVERY night. But no. My evil father won't let me. He thinks I should do this thing called 'exercise', whatever that is.... **

**Bonnie: **OOOOO! Idea! Maybe in the reviews, they could all go "LAUREN SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE MORE TIME ON THE COMPUTER A NIGHT TO UPDATE THIS STORY MORE!

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **Um...Bonnie? Good Idea, could work, but.... How did you know my name?

**Emmett: ***Looks at floor guiltily*


	11. MORE UNICORN DAY FUN!

**Hi! Ome! Thank you soooo much for your reviews saying I should get more time to update! And guess what?**

**Emmett: **What?

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **You must guess!

**Emmett: **Ummm....Charlie the unicorn came over and ate your Dad, therefore you have unlimited time to play with me?

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **No. I wish! But no. I now get an hour on the computer a night! I know its not much but hey! Its better that awful, ugly thirty minutes! *stabs thirty minutes* So thank you! Your reward is that I will send your fave Cullen to your house! Wow.

**Emmett: ***smirks* I'm gonna be one busy vampire.....

"Emmett! Let go of me! You're being ridiculous!"

"No I'm not, Lola!" I said as I tried to shove her on top of the tree, "You look lovely as a Unicorn Day fairy!"

Alice tried to smack my face. "I do NOT look lovely! I'm in a purple and orange polka dot tutu!"

"Look. Just stay at the top of the tree for 20 minutes and then you can come down. Deal?" I'm so good at this reasoning thing.

"No deal!" She screamed, trying to clamber down. "Jasper! Help!"

Silly. "Alice Lola Unicullen. I am not that stupid! Everyone else is at the supermarket buying more toilet rolls to hang on the tree."

She groaned. "How could I not have seen this one coming? Fine. I'll stay up here. TWENTY MINUTES! Then I kill you."

"Sounds like a plan. Oooo! Lets sing Unicarols!"

"No."

"Pleeeeease?"

"No."

I snapped a photo of her on top of the tree.

"Sing with me or this goes on the internet. The whole world will know that Alice Cullen has...No dress..."

"Nooo!"

"...sense...."

"Noooo!"

"...at....

"Please! Have mercy!"

"All!"

"I'll do it!"

I grinned. "Thats more like it! '_On the first day of Unicorn Appreciation, Charlie gave to me'_......"

* * *

"_On the seventy third day of Unicorn Appreciation..."_

"We're back!"

"Oh sweet mother of...." Alice jumped off the tree and straight into Jasper's arms. "Sing something to me! Anything!" she begged him.

"Uh....._twinkle twinkle little star...."_

"Yes. Oh yes. Thank you. My sanity has been returned."

"Did you get my rolls?" I asked eagerly. I couldn't wait to start decorating!

"Yes we did." Esme handed me a big bag of toilet paper.

"They're perfect! Come on everyone! Lets get into the spirit of the season! Sing it with me! _On the seventy fourth day of Unicorn Appreciation....._"

"HELL NO!" Alice grabbed the peanut butter of doom and Bonnie and ran off.

* * *

"Present time!" I squealed. "Everyone around the tree now!"

"Uh, Emmett?" Edward said. "I didn't buy anyone a present. And I don't think anyone else....."

"Don't worry your snorty little head about it Bucky!" I assured him. "I did UAD present shopping for EVERYONE!"

"Um. Thanks...."

"Ok." I sat cross legged around the tree. Unfortunatly, there was no christmas fairy. She was currently busy sitting in the corner, talking to the peanut butter jar and Bonnie. "We will each take turns. Bella, seeing as you will most likely burst into tears and start muttering about your nappy if we don't let you go first...." I patted her head kindly. "You may start."

"Gee, thanks." she picked up her first present. "This one is from....Jasper!" she grinned at him and tore it open. "And its a....empty bottle of...fly spray....."

"Awwww." How lovely I thought.

"Theres a reason I don't like receiving presents....." she muttered.

"Don't look at me!" cried Jasper. "Emmett bought the gifts!"

"You don't have to thank me! Edward, you're next."

He sighed and unwrapped his present. "This is from Rosale and its a.....toothbrush.....Emmett, this isn't even new!"

"I stole it from Mike's bathroom when I got the toilet rolls. Shhh!"

"Ew."

"Me next! Me next!" I ripped open a present from Alice. "Its a laptop! Oh Alice! You shouldn't have!"

"Alice stopped muttering to Bonnie and the peanut butter for a minute and peered around with wild eyes. Then she muttered something to Bonnie about trains.

After everything was opened, I had a few electronics, a twister mat, some new baseball gear and a pony. (I made them blind fold me and I told them where to lead me outside.) They mostly had things from Mike's house.

"Well everyone. I beleive Charlie claus bought us some lovely things this year. Don't you agree?"

Nobody answered, they just stared glumly at their gifts.

Alice started chewing on on Edward's new toothbrush.

**Hope you liked! **

**Did you pick up the little....**

**Emmett: **Yup!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Emmett, you don't even know what I was about to say!

**Emmett: **I did.....Was it about the twister mat?

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **No! It was not about.....oh. Wow. It was. Heh. So yeah, thats what Emmett's gonna use for his next task.....

_6. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play._

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **And don't forget to tell me who your fave Cullen is! So they can come to your house!

**Emmett: **Do I need to bring anything? *pops in breath mint* whipped cream?....unicorn horn? Toilet rolls?....

**Bonnie: **Review!

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **HEY! Thats my line!


	12. Uniboxing day, NOTE! and Eric's shoulder

**Emmett: **Well, as predicted, I was veeeery busy. I even had someone asking me to bring my whipped cream! *winks at lovenotwarXo*

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Emmett, you had about four people ask for you. Pretty much everyone else asked for Edward or Jasper!

**Bella and Alice: **Grrrr! Ours!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: ***stabs Bella and pats Alice's head* Do not be jelous. It was for mere fun. And fun only.

**Bella: **He...he's....mi...mine...

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: ***stamps on Bella's head* What she means to say is "Lauren is much more suitable for Edward. They are soul mates. I give them my blessing and will take my stupid, interfering, non-sparkly head somewhere else."

Awwww.

Thanks Bella.

*Gives extra stamp for luck*

Ahhhh. Unioxing day.

The day where we all lie around, playing with our LOVELY new presents.

Or in Alice's case, chewing them.

"Edward," I smirked, "Would you pass me my _brand new_ twister mat?"

"Sure." he smiled sweetly and passed me the box. "Why don't you open it now?" he hid something behind his back. Something that looked suspisciously like a video camera.

"Nuppers. I'm taking it to the hospital." I put on my sparkly halo . "To spread joy to all." And to break me some wrinklies hips!

"Wait!" yelled Edward. "Um...uh...let me come with you?"

Everyone gasped. Alice dropped Bonnie. Bella burst into tears (what a surprise. One word. Cindy the unicorn.)

"Y...you...can't!" she sobbed. "H...he....OMIGOSH! You've gone over to the dark side! Haven't you Edward? HAVEN'T YOU!"

"Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella." I patted her head. Oooo. Greasy. Somethings strawberry shampoo just can't fix....."Your man candy is simply being a good brother. Perhaps someday, you shall beleive. When you're ready, call this number. We welcome new members." I handed her a pamphlet. "Come now, Bucky!" I slid my hoofs on and trotted out the door.

Clip clop.

Clip clop.

"NOOOOO! Edward! Come BAAAAAACK! Alice? Gimmee some peanut butter. Lil bit more. Lil bit more....thats the stuff....Nom nom nom...."

"Oh, Bucky." I said as I started running. "Let us sing road trip songs of joy. Shall we?"

"Meh. As long as I get a clear shot of you when you open the twister box, I'm flexible." Tee he. Pun.

"Sure thing." I started us off. "_99 bottles of Unicola on the wall....."_

We were up to 43 bottles of Unicola on the wall when we got to the hospital. I urged Edward to keep going, but he had started twitching, so I figured it was time to stop.

"To the elevator! And beyond!"

"Bo...bottles.....43.....Uni....bottles....cola....."

Nobody was in the elevator when we hopped on. I was sad.

"Nobody is here Bucky." I whispered. "We're all alone. In this little, small, confined space. Nobody to hear you scream." Then I started to hum the jaws theme song.

"Cola....bottles...wall....Uni.....43....on...."

Bing!

A little old man walked in.

Bing!

Eric walked in.

Bing!

A doctor walked in.

"Now, Bucky."

Edward cut the cord. Everything went dark and the elevator stopped.

"AHHHH! I'm going to die! My final confession is that I'm in love with you Edward! Ever since I saw how strong and manly you were when you stopped the van!"

Everyone fell silent and looked at Eric.

"And I'm scared of the dark!" he finished.

"Never fear! I have bought my....dum da dadaaa! UNICORN NIGHTLIGHT!"

Edward groaned. "I'm guessing you stole that from Mikes house too?"

"You guess correctly. So....any other pre-death confessions?" I couldn't wait to find out who was secretly in love with me! I had my suspiscions....."Anything you wanna tell me Edward? Huh? Huh?" I elbowed him.

"Yup. I want you to open the twister box. Ok?"

I sighed. "Ok. " I opened the box. "Ah...everything seems to be in order. A mat...spinny thing....Ooo, whats this? It seems to be a note. What ever could it say?"

Edward started the video camera.

"It says....Dear Emmett, Unicorns do not exist. They are made up. Not real. Fictional. You will never complete the list and Unicorns will never reward you. From you loving, bored and fed-up-with-your-antics family. Kiss Kiss."

My smile froze.

Then I exploded.

Not really.

But still.

I was mad.

"NOOOOO!" I screamed, falling to the floor and pounding the walls. "I DO BELEIVE IN UNICORNS! I DO! I DO! I DO BELEIVE IN UNICORNS! I DO! I WILL COMPLETE THE LIST! CHARLIE LOVES ME!"

"Charlie...doesn't...exist...either..." Edward managed to splutter in between howls of laughter.

"HE DOES! HE DOES! NOOOOOO! LOVE. LIFE. MEANING. OVER!"

"Ha ha ha...."

"Sonny, I beleive in Unicorns too...." croaked the old man.

"SHUT THE HELL UP GRANDPA!" I shoved him against the wall.

"I'm diagnosing you with a bad case of....."

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID DOCTOR! NOBODY NEEDS YOU!"

Eric smiled sympathetically. "Anything you need? Tour guide? Lunch date? Shoulder to cry on?"

"NO-ONE NEEDS YOUR STUPID SHOULDER ERIC! GO AWAY! LEMME OUT!"

I finally managed to get out of that little room.

I ran all the way home, stopping only at the supermarket for $600 worth of peanut butter and to play with the beepy thing on the check-out.

Beep. Beep. Sob. Beep. Peanut Butter. Sob. Beep.

"Is everything ok, Em?" asked Carlisle when I got home.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK? I'M COVERED IN FRICKIN PEANUT BUTTER AND KEEP MUTTERING BEEP UNDER MY BREATH!"

I needed something stronger than peanut butter.

I needed....

Honey.

Bum Bum Buuuum.

**Emmett: **I hope you're freaking happy!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles:** Ecstatic.

**Emmett: **Ok....I don't know what that means...but......but I'm mad....Grrr!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: ** Wow. Scary.

**Emmett: **YOU ARE THE MOST UNSYMPATHETIC AUTHOR I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE! I WANNA GO TO COUPLES COUNSELLING!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **FINE BY ME! I'LL CALL EDWARD NOW!

**Emmett: **NO WAY! YOU'LL JUST SPEND THE WHOLE SESSION DROOLING!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **True.

**Bonnie: **I'll do it!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles and Emmett: ** NO!

**Edward: **Why don't you get one of your lovely reviewers to do it? Then there can be an itsy bitsy chapter between this chap and the next, for you to work out your problems.

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: ***is dazzled by Edward's great idea* I love you....I mean...I love it. The idea I mean.....cough cough.

**Soooo, who wants to be the counseller? You? You? Maybe even you? I'll pick the best one. AKA: the one who says.."oh lauren! You are so prettiful! Emmett is so mean and nasty *stroke stroke*"**

**But not Bonnie. I refuse to pick a cabbage patch kid.**

**Who steals my lines and says...**

**Bonnie: **Review!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles:** DIE BONNIE! DIE! *throws cabbages at Bonnie*


	13. AHHHH! SO HARD TO CHOOSE!

**DAMMIT! Guys! Why are you all so lovely? Do you realise how painfully hard it is to choose a counseller when all my readers are all so lovely and complimentingful...(is that a word?) Really! Except for **_**TNMEBD123**_** (does anyone else think this story is loosing its touch? Do I need to change something? Write a certain vampire out of the story?) *glares at Emmett***

**Emmett: **Oooo! I'm so scared of the human...Ow! Let go of my ear bitch!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: ***reluctantly lets go of Emmett ear* My candidates are.....

**Jasper: ***drum rolls*

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **StupidxShinyxVolvoxOwner!

**The Cullens: **Clap Clap Clap

**Edward: ***mumbles* thats my nickname..

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **The Jazzled Author....Lucy Twilight Lover.....Fanpire-68...Clara84......driver.....lovenotwarXo....and Twihardizzy4eva!

**Emmett: ***is still rubbing ear* thats pretty much everyone who asked to be counseller. Isn't it?

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **Ughhhhh! Yes! It is! I'm far far FAR to soft.

**Bonnie: **Lemme be the counseller! Lemme be the...ooof!

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: ***ties Bonnie up in sack and leaves her to die* Meh. Perhaps I'll auction her off one day. Any takers?

**Emmett: **Can we please FOCUS! *starts humming 'Grandma got run over by a unicorn'*

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: **RIGHT! So all those people who I mentioned earlier, if you still wanna be the counseller (and seriously, being in a room with Emmett for a whole session, not so much fun.) can you message me and tell me your idea for the counselling session (just coz I'm a lazy bitch lol)

**Emmett: ** _La la la, you can say theres no such thing as Charlie, but as for me and Bucky we beleive...._


	14. Guessing, PB baths and BOOM!

**The counselling session has been postponed untill further notice. They are fully booked and very bus-**

**Emmett: **You haven't picked one yet.

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: ***clears throat* Untill the session, I am putting this little choker thing on Emmett to make him behave.

**Emmett: **What does it do? Whats that little remote control for?

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: ***smiles evilly* I don't know. Why don't we find out? *presses button*

**Emmett: ***is electrocuted* OWWWWEEEEE!

**MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: ***high fives Edward*

"What am I thinking.....NOW!"

"You're thinking about Herman the rhino."

"How about NOW!"

Bucky rolled his eyes. "You're thinking that Bella is a.....HEY! Thats my girlfriend you're thinking about!"

Mmmm, Bella. Oooo! Bella in a Unicorn suit! Ooooo! Bella without a unicorn sui....

"No way!" Edward grabbed my ear. "Stop...thinking...about...her...."

Bella and Charlie on top of candy mountain-..."OUCH! Thats my nose!"

"Not for long if you keep this up. Think of something else. NOW!"

Ok....Ice-cream.....Gossip girl....

Bucky snorted. "You like gossip girl?"

"No..." I mumbled, hiding the DVD and books behind my back and burning my plans to make a movie 'Gossip Unicorn'.

"I'm over you, Em." said Edward, walking away.

"Well I'm so _under_ you!" That came out way wrong.

Hmmm...

What to do now....?

Carlisle walked past. "Why not do something creative, yet educational?" he suggested.

"I KNOW! I'll lie in a bath of peanut butter for a few hours! Its sure to open up my pores...THANKS CARLISLE!"

* * *

After my bath, I was feeling relaxed and peaceful.

And we all know what to do when you feel relaxed and peaceful!

"Unicorn list." chanted everyone, including an author who _should_ at the moment be doing that three pages of science homework due monday about how blood travels through the....OUCH!

I consulted the list.

7. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

Those were his words of wisdom.

And when the unicorns give you wisdom in the form of a list.

You do it.

The list.

Ok, why is everything coming out wrong today?

To mix things up, I rode a pedal-bike to the hospital.

I. Am. Craaaazay!

And for the seventh time, I pushed the button.

But nothing happened.

I pushed it again.

NOTHING!

Fourteen time I pressed that button.

But the doors did not budge.

A janitor walked past.

"WHY ARE THE DOORS NOT OPENING?!" I screamed, throwing him up in the air.

"You're.....pressing...the....wrong...button...for...that...elevator....The...left...elevator...has...been...opening...and...closing...the...whole...time" he shouted in between throws.

"Oh." I said, letting him drop to the ground. "So it has. You can go throw up now."

And he did.

BING! Ah. How I love that delightful sound.

Almost as much as I love to hear Oswald's latest rant. He said a really good one last night. It was about how peanut butter was taking over the world. How he knew this? Well apparantly, some have grown these little camoflage eyes and are watching our every move. He went on ranting untill someone pointed out that the 'little eyes' were the crunchy pieces in crunchy peanut butter.

"Uniello." I said to the man inside the elevator.

He just did something that sounded like a grunt crossed over with a snort. Note to self: May have just met Bucky's half brother.

"What a large jacket you have on.." I complimented him as I placed the box on the floor. "Are you cold or just fat?"

"Wallgonadie."

"I see. Um...do you hear ticking?"

He jumped really high. "Don't you dear ring the police!" he screamed. "This hospital is gonna blow and I'm taking everyone including me down with it!"

"Yes. Yes it is particularly nice weather we've been having."

"Don't try get smart with me!" Funny. Whipped cream seemed to be coming from his mouth.

I laughed. "Righty oh. Ta ta then. May the unicorns be with you."

Bing!

I bowed and ran out.

Not quite the reaction I hoped for. He was probably a really really uptight guy like Edward, talking about some flu that was gonna hit.

Hmmm, funny, I could've sworn I heard an explosion as I ran home.

It seemed to come from the hospital.

But did it have anything to do with Unicorns?

No.

So I did not care.

* * *

"Everyone! Some nutcase blew up the hospital!" screamed Carlisle when i got home.

"Silly Carlisle." I sighed, patting his head. "The correct Unigrammer is..'Somebody blew _off_ at the hospital." And I'm pretty sure it was me....

**Sorry if this chapter was Uniwful! Emmett was distracting me.**

**Emmett: **With my dazzling good looks and....OUCH! STOP THAT!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Nah.

**Edward: **Its too much fun. Can I have a go?

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Will you 'accidentally' touch my hand when you reach for the remote?

**Bella: ***from inside the sack* NO HE WILL MOST CERTAINLY NOT!

**Edward: ***touches hand and grabs remote* He he. BUZZ! BUZZ!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles:** *swoon*

**Rosalie: **Hey, you guys electrocuting Emmett?

**Edward and Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Yuppers! BUZZ!

**Emmett: **Oh thank unicorns! Rose. The love of my life! Here to save me from this...

**Rosalie: **Mind if I have a go? Thanks. BUZZ!

**Emmett: **UNIOUCH! My heart! It bleeeeeeds!


	15. Moopyrope, Hamster wheel and Nora

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Next! OCDSufferer.

**OCDSufferer: **Buzz! Tee he! Buzz!

**Emmett: **OUCH! Lauren, exactly how much are you making out off my misery?

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Weeell....Its $20 to buzz you and $10 dollars to watch, but pointing and laughing costs extra.

**OCDSufferer: **Can I get a photo with the suffering Emmett?

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Thats another $15. Buzz....click!

**Emmett: **This is really, very sick.

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Pfff! Like I care! I'm saving up for a laptop! Anywoodles.....*nudges . and giggles*.....I kinda stole this first bit off the pink panther movie. Sorry pinky.

**Emmett: **You should be! Police! Police! Theif theif!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **BUZZ!

**Police: ***shrug shoulders and go back to eating dounuts*

"Steffthepope."

"No!" Carlisle said. "Steth-o-scope!"

"Stoompydope?" I guessed, mushing peanut butter between my fingers.

"Ok! Repeat after me. Steth."

"Steth."

"O."

"O." Really! I wasn't an IDIOT! Hmmm...wonder what the unicorns are doing right now....

"Scope."

"Scope." Mush Mush.

"Stethoscope."

"Moopyrope."

"Arghhhh!" screamed Carlisle. "I need to go to the hospital. Get my mind off Unicorn boy." And he drove off in his car.

"Have fun hacking people up!" I called after him.

"I'm a doctor! Not a surg...Oh forget it."

Mush mush.

He he. I am soooo a genius. I figured something out, that when my hands are dirty and I stick my hands _In _the peanut butter, the peanut butter gets dirty. I also figured out that Bella no likey dirty things.

So I decided to be all cool and genius like and smartalicious. I decided to....UNIEXPERIMENTATE!

I got out my notebook (thanks Mike!), my doctors coat (thanks Carlisle!) and my lab glasses (Thanks Geeky!Edward).

"Bella, my lovely Unicorn-non-beleiving friend, come down here a minute!"

"Yeah?" she trotted down the stairs. Clip clop, Cindy, Clip clop. "Hey! What are these things on my shoes? Emmett! Are these what have been making the clip clopping sound everytime I walk?"

"Clip clop?" I asked.

"Yes!"

"Clip clop." I confirmed.

She pouted. "What do you want? I want to go back to playing with Edw....Never mind."

"I need to do a few Unixperiments on you. Are ya up for it?"

"No."

"Great! I shoved her in my giant hamster cage. "Now. I am going to make you some peanut butter toast. You will tell me what you think of it, Bonnie will take notes and bite you if you do not co-operate. Are we Unilear?"

"Is the hamster cage really nessersary if I'm just sampling toast?"

"Yes. It is for me and Bonnie's entertainment."

"Tee hee." giggled Bonnie as she heat up the microwave popcorn. "Oooo! Em! Put the Unicorn suit of happiness on her!"

"Now now, Bon bon, we do not...."

"Bon Bon?" snorted Bella.

Ah. I never knew why Bella found Edward attractive. Now I know why. They share a passion for snorting.

"Shut up. I have a bag of liquor chocolates and a video camera and I'm not afraid to use them"

"Ye-ah!" teased Bonnie.

"Bonnie, I'd shut up too if I were you." threatened Bella. "I heard myboyfriendEdwardsparkles is planning to sell you to SlowlyDieing for one dollar. I also heard SlowlyDieing was looking for a cabbage patch kid to practice her surgeries on. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!"

She's finally cracked.

Bella I mean.

Bonnie is still quite sane.

**Bonnie:** *strokes peanut butter jar* MY preeeeeeshus!

"Now...EAT!" I commanded, throwing the piece of toast in her food bowl.

"Nom nom nom."

"Aaaand....What do you think?"

"Its a normal piece of toast. Not absolutely amazing, not bad. It was fine. Can I go now?"

"Never!" cackled Bonnie, padlocking the cage door closed. "I will keep you here forever!"

"Never fear Bella. We will only keep you untill we have done every single pointless experiment that pops into out heads."

2 hours later

"Faster! Run faster!"

"Ple...please...puff puff...let..me puff puff...stop now...puff puff...." Bella was turning red.

"Tee he. You sound like a dragon. And you look like a tomato." I giggled, spinning the hamster wheel faster. "Run! Run! Run my little Unicon/hamster/dragon/tomato mutant!"

She fell off.

"Hmmmm..." I said, turning to Bonnie. "I think we have come to a conclusion."

"What...puff puff...that....puff puff." asked Bella.

"Running non-stop for an hour and a half makes _this_ particular human slightly drowsy."

"I...puff..could've...puff...just told ....puff puff...you that.."

"Yes." I patted her nose. "But then we wouldn't have found out that you are distantly related to tomatos."

"What are you doing down there, Bella?" called Edward. "I've been waiting for hours! Come back up and play with m.....Never mind."

"Quick!" I whispered to Bonnie. "Hide her!"

"Where?"

"Oooo! We can disguise her! Lets put her in the Unicorn suit of happiness and smother her in peanut butter! He'll never know!"

I am a unienius!

"Emmett, have you seen Bella?" asked Edward, trotting down the stairs. Clip clop.

Yes.

_Those_ again.

"No. But I think she went to La Push Jacob off a cliff." Tee he. Puns.

"And she didn't let me come too?" He looked sad.

Shame.

"Evood! Hiss vee!"

"Ummm, whats that?" He pointed at my...CREATION!

"This is....Nora. The Nutty unicorn." explained Bonnie.

"No ish noff! Ish nee! Pella!"

"Whats it saying? Its..." Edward's eyes grew wide. "Fascinating!"

"It sure is. One. Of. A. Kind."

"Hello Nora." gushed Edward, patting her head. "Oooo! You are so cute! I could just eat you up!"

A muffled horrified scream could be heard from inside the suit.

"Isn't she adorable." said Bonnie slyly. "You could keep her if you want, Edward. As a pet."

"Oh really! Truly!?"

"Truly." I said selflessly. "She needs loads of exercise, make her run on this hamster wheel every so often. Oh and she enjoys riding really really fast in cars. Like really really fast...."

"Mmmnoooooo!"

"...And apart from the occasional incredibly expensive present...you should be good."

"Notsh a fresant! Ammyting put a fresent!"

"Oooo! Just wait till I tell Bella.." squealed Edward.

"I FAM PELLA!"

"Bella won't be back till reeeeally late." I said sadly. "I heard she might be staying at La Push for the night. Maybe even a few nights. But oh well. You have Nora to keep you company."

"Yes I dooo!" Edward tickled 'Nora' under the chin. "Do you want to see how fast I can run Nora?"

"Ash long ash I can jush watsh. Hake vunning fash."

"Come on. I'll take you with me. You love fast. Don't you Nora?" he threw her over his shoulder. "Thanks again guys!"

Bonnie sniffed. "Its funny to think just five minutes ago we were smothering her in peanut butter. And now, there she goes."

I trickled some honey down our cheeks. "They grow up so fast."

**Ha ha. Thats my Bella revenge! Mwa ha ha ha! Poor her. Bella always seems to end up in an animal suit with Edward.**

**Emmett: **I would usually congratulate you on the wondergul cruelty, but I'm Uniissed.

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Well the counselling session is up next. So hopefully we'll have our shit sorted by the next chapter.

**Emmett: **I'm not going to co-operate with the counseller! I'm going to run around naked, caked in peanut butter.

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **You are forgetting the buzzer! BUZZ!

**Ps: More elevator fun coming your way soooon!**

**Emmett: **Would someone kindly get me a big jar of honey? I need one....badly.


	16. Punjab, OUCH and Uniaby

**Uniello! So this chappy is dedicated to all you people who have done or are doing the 40 hour famine....I'm doing it RIGHT now and I'm pretty much dead. Ugghhhh! **

**Also, do you think you could PLEASE PLEASE PLEEASE read my new story..."Definetly..Yes? No? To get to the other side?" Please? _I_ think its quite good but I haven't got many reviews (I did a AWFUL summary) So..Please?**

**Emmett: **Shut up and type. I haven't eaten in like a hundred years and you don't see me complaining!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Yah, but you get to have Lions and Grizzly bears as YOUR munchies.

"Why not?" I screamed.

"Because she'll starve to death!" yelled Edward.

"Edward its 40 hours not forty days." said Bella coldly. (She still hadn't forgiven him for buying her a priceless necklace and running to Denali and back with her when she was "Nora". He actually only figured it out when she started moaning that she wanted to be "Changed".)

"And even if it _was _forty days," I reasoned. "Jesus did it. Why can't Bella?" Shit yah. I read the bible....well...I watch the kiddie church programmes....Ok...Ok...I only watched the one. Gee.

"Thats it Emmett! This is the end of it!" Bucky shouted. I was scared he was going to stab me with his horn, he was that angry. "Bella is NOT doing the 40 hour famine and that is final." he folded his hooves. Then he realised he had hooves and tore them off. "Stop putting hooves on us!"

I pouted. "Bella wants to do it. And think of Punjab!"

"Yeah!" Bella stamped her foot. "Wait. Who's Punjab?"

"My imaginary African kid." I told her. "The one who you shall SAVE by doing the 40hour famine." Duh!

"Punjab?"

"Yes. Punjab. And whenever you feel hungry, Bella, just think of poor Punjab. Sitting there...In his torn t-shirt....Only a pile of sticks for company...." I sniffled **(Tee hee, thanks for that one Amber!)**

"Poor Punjab..." whispered Bella sadly.

"HE DOESN'T EXIST!" screamed Edward.

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Ahem. Edward, let me tell you a little story about a pot and a kettle...

**Edward:** Shut up. _I _can't HELP being fictional!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **I'm sure if you worked a bit harder....

**Edward: **Thats IT! *Kisses Bella* Ha ha! How d'ya like that bitch?

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles:** *Falls to ground having multiple seizures and frothing at the mouth* NOOOOO!

"Thats not the point!" said Bella. "Now, Edward. I'm doing the 40 hour famine for two reasons...First..."

I held up the correct number of fingers.

"Emmett, you're holding up four fingers, you only need to hold up one."

I held up more. I was never good at this Maths thing...

"Now thats 7. Ok, whatever. Firstly, I'm doing it for Punjab..."

I grabbed a megaphone and chanted in Edward's ear... "PUNJAB! PUNJAB! PUUNJAB!"

"Second......"

"There was a part of me, and I didn't know how dominant that part might b....." I continued.

"EMMETT!" they both screamed. "YOU EAVESDROPPED?"

"Depends what you mean by eavesdropped. I don't really know what that means...." If it means planting a camera and microphone in Bella's room so I could hear her talking to herself...Then yes. But IN MY DEFENSE....I also wanted to hear if she said _my _name in her sleep as well.

She never has.

Favoritism much?

"SECOND!" screamed Bella. "Is that I want to show Edward that I am not a fragile little mouse."

"But you are." I argued, breaking her arm to prove my point.

"OUCH!" she yelled.

"EMMETT!" Edward shoved me out a window.

Weeee....

Uniay. Now I have an excuse to go to the hospital with Bella. Brilliant.

*

"Ouchy....Ooo....Ouchy....Ow ow ow...Oooo..."

"Bella, that sounds kinda kinky."

"Shut up." she muttered. "I should so sue you."

"You should!" said Edward. "Please do! Will you? Will you please?"

"No. I won't."

"Why No-ot?" whined Edward. "Is it because you'll trip up the stairs in court? I'll carry you!"

"No. I'm just to nice." muttered Bella.

"Aww, thanks sis." I said punching her broken arm.

"OUCH!"

Tee hee.

"I'm going to get a coffee, Bella." said Edward grumpily.

"But you don't drin....Oh well. At least I've still got you Carlisle." her shoulders sagged. "And you Emmett."

"I'm going to get more plaster." said Carlisle...Zip Zip ZIPPING out of the hospital room

"Are you Ok to stay here Bella?" Yah. Like I cared, I'd just broken the girls arm for Unicorns sake.

"No!" shouted Bella. "I am so NOT ok! You'd better not leave me! EMMETT! EMMETT!"

"You can keep shouting till the unicorns come home Bella, but I'm leaving...NOW!"

Its....ELEVATOR TIME!

Woohoooo!

"Uniood Uniorning." I greeted the baby sitting in the corner.

"Gurgle gurgle."

"Uh...Riiight." Some people were just strange.

_8. Ask, "Did you feel that?"._

"Hey! Uniaby!"

"Gurgle ga ga?"

"Did you feel...That?"

"Gurgle."

"Yeah. Me neither." I didn't reeeally get that one.

"Ga ga goo goo." he started sucking his thumb.

"Is that any good?"

He held out his thumb for me to try.

It was surprisingly delicious to suck on.

Like a mushed peas and banana lollipop.

"You wanna come back to mine?"

"Googly."

"Sure, you can go on google."

"Gah."

I popped him in my backpack. "Hey, that wasn't here a few minutes ago! Oh Uniell."

We met Bucky and Cindy at the front door.

"Whats in the backpack Emmett?"

"A friend"

They looked at each other and Edward mothed 'Imaginary Unicorn'.

Ha ha. If only they knew.

"Excuse me! Oh...God...have you seen my baby?" A woman with no Unihorn ran up to us. "He has wispy blonde hair...And oh he's wearing a red playsuit...."

"Does he have bright blue eyes, say Ga ga goo a lot and is wearing green booties?"

"YES!" she screamed.

"Sorry. Haven't seen him. Ta ta."

**Edward: **He stole a baby? You made him steal a BABY?!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Sure did.....Yeah, ok. This chapter wasn't the best. But hey! I haven't eaten in 13 hours! I'm hungry! Plus, the pantry door is open and the peanut butter jar is calling to me... "Lauren! Eeeeeaaaaatttt meeeee!" Plus, someone keeps throwing warm blueberry muffins at my head and its AWFULLY tempting!

**Emmett: ***Hides muffins behind back* Cough cough. Yah. Wonder who would do that...thats just cruel...and Uniean....Cough.


	17. Unitubbies, Unicorneilius and Llama song

**Sowwwy! I've been Uniad! I haven't updated in a while. **

**Emmett: **You should be sorry! I've been stuck in your room with only your Edward posters to keep me company!

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **Well...PFF! I've had parent interviews. Apparently I talk too much. Meh. Anyways, this chapter is dedicated to Maggie, the reason that I talk to much in maths. (THANK GOD YOU'VE READ BREAKING DAWN NOW!) xxx

**Emmett: **Ack. Mushy! Get on with some manly stuff in my story. Grrrrr! *hides Mr Winky his pink stuffed unicorn*

"Carlisle," I swung round a few times on his swivvly chair. "I have a theory."

Carlisle AKA Henry, (The Unicorn who likes to wear coats) looked up. "Ok. A theory on what?"

I clapped my hands with joy. "Guess!"

"The Volturi's plans? Edward's sexuality?" Carlisle smiled wickedly and started muttering, "I actually have some pretty kinky theories on that one myself...."

"Nopers! Ok. I'll tell you. It involves..." I lowered my voice. "The telletubbies."

"Wait, wait. I can't keep up. I thought you were obsessed with unicorns."

I threw my hand over my heart. "Moi!? Obsessed? NO! You lie!"

Carlisle sighed. "Get on with it."

"Ok." I stopped swivvling. "I was watching childrens tv with Bonnie. And we happened to stumble accross the telletubbies."

"Uh huh."

"And i noticed something veeery Uniamiliar. Carly, have you ever noticed that the telletubbies have...UNIHORNS!?!"

I expected him to jump up and scream that I was a genius. But he just looked confused. "I thought those thing on their heads were television ariels?"

"NO!" I screamed. "A VERY rare breed of unicorns trot among us Henry! Their names are Uniinky winky, Uniipsy, Unia La and Unio. Together, they are the UNIUBBIES!" I made a 'U' in the air with my arms.

"Sure they are Emmett. Of course, they are most certainly not a japanese invention, designed to keep children entertained. No, no."

I raised my eyebrows. "Whats your point?"

"Maybe you should go share this epiphany with that _baby you stole_!!" Carlisle glared at me. "I must say, I do NOT approve of you kidnapping a child. It was most irresponsibe."

I smiled smugly. "Rose likes him."

"Yes, well Rosalie is slightly biased."

"No! Anyone could love Unicornielius if they just gave him a chance!"

"Yeah, yeah. Now get out of my office Emmett."

I clicked my hooves together. "There's no place like uniome! There's no place like Uniome! There's no place like Uniome!"

And I ran down the stairs to my lovley wife and adopted son were playing.

"Emmett, it won't stop crying." complained Rosalie. "I'm suddenly not so sure about this mother thing..."

"Uniother."

"Uniother thing then. Can't we just give him back?"

I stuck out my lip. "But we haven't even sacrificed him to Charlie the Unicorn God yet."

"We'll buy a guinea pig from the pet shop and sacrifice that." Rose patted my shoulder. "Yes?"

"Its not the same...." I grumbled. "I was looking forward to shaving little Unicorneilius's head..."

Rosalie grinned. "I'll let you shave Bella's head...You know, if it'd make you feel better......" she bit her lip like she was fighting back peanut butter tears. "I'll be willing to make that sacrifice."

"Really?" I tossed my ex-son down the laundry shoot that appeared out of nowhere.

"Yes."

"Cool! Then I'm gonna go complete..." I made my voice sound like a stoned superman voiceover. "My uniission of the day! Buh buh da baaaa!"

"Sure. I'm going to the shops to buy you a razor for the shaving-of-the-head tonight. Anything you need?"

"Unies my sweet uniife! I shall need 28 peanut butter jars, 3 jars of honey and some smelly salts! I banish you! Go now!"

Then I did my Unicorn dance to the llama song.

_here's a llama  
there's a llama  
and another little llama  
fuzzy llama  
funny llama  
llama llama  
duck_

llama llama  
cheesecake  
llama  
tablet  
brick  
potato  
llama  
llama llama  
mushroom  
llama  
llama llama  
duck

i was once a treehouse  
i lived in a cake  
but i never saw the way  
the orange slayed the rake  
i was only three years dead  
but it told a tale  
and now listen, little child  
to the safety rail

did you ever see a llama  
kiss a llama  
on the llama  
llama's llama  
tastes of llama  
llama llama  
duck

half a llama  
twice the llama  
not a llama  
farmer  
llama  
llama in a car  
alarm a llama  
llama  
duck

is THIS how it's told now?  
is it all so old?  
is it made of lemon juice?  
doorknob  
ankle  
cold  
now my song is getting thin  
i've run out of luck  
time for me to retire now  
and become a duck

(**Unicorn dance lessons for $5 a session! Taught by Emmett!**)

"I'm back!"

"Uniose! Are those my salts, and breakfast spreads?"

"No, they're giant tampons."

"Really?" Wow. When they say barely there, they really mean...

"Of course thats them! Idiot!"

"Oh! Yay!"

I painted a thick trail of peanut butter and honey to the hospital and then ran back home.

"Thats was what the peanut butter and honey was for?" screeched Rose.

"Nope! _This_ is what they were for..." I ran back and.. "1...2...3!" I slid down the trail on my stomach towards the hospital where my mission was going to be completed.

**Emmett: **Wheeee! Fun! That rocks! Does this mean we're friends again? *strokes friendship bracelets behind back*

**Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: **God no! I heard a rumour that you were gonna get naked during the counselling session! Hmm...Do you think we could invite Edward...?


	18. THE COUNSELLING SESSION!

**THE COUNSELLING SESSION! FINALLY! As promised! And I am SO sorry to everyone who wanted to be counseller and couldn't be. But maybe if you suggest a scene where you could be in the story…? I'll see what I can do. Yes?**

**Congrats ZareenBlack!**

ZareenBlack: *shuffles papers and looks oh so professional*

Emmett: *bursts through the door and rips shirt off* Woohooo! I'm here! Lets get this partay started!

ZareenBlack: Yeah, um, this is a counseling session. We're here to talk about our issues not to "partay".

Emmett: *mouth drops open* B…But they told me we were going to a Unicorn Disney land!

Edward: *leans against the door smirking and looking lovely and amazing and perfect and…cough* We lied.

Lauren (Myboyfriendedwardsparkles, but it's a long pen name and I'm lazy): We sure did.

Emmett: This uniucks! *sits down on the floor with arms folded*

ZareenBlack: Um, Emmett, there's kinda a couch….

Emmett: *glare* I. Like. The. Floor.

Edward: Don't you mean the…snicker…UNIFLOOR!? *high fives Lauren*

Lauren: Ahhh…physical contact…One small step for Lauren, one giant step for Lauren-kind…

Emmett: Oh ha ha. You think you're so smart, but if you were ACTUALLY smart, you'd see that it translates as Uniloor! So HA!

Edward: Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't bring my Unicorn Dictionary with me today. *holds up hand for high five*

Lauren: We're past that stage. Hugging?

Bella: NO PHYSICAL CONTACT!

Lauren: *reaches out hand*

Bella: Grrrr!

Lauren: *finger is inches away from poking Edward's shoulder*

Bella: I swear to God….

Lauren: POKE!

Bella: Oh the pain! *starts frothing at the mouth*

Emmett: She didn't take her medication today, did she?

Edward: Actually, no. I couldn't find it….

Lauren: *hides medication behind back*

Edward: Lauren? Where did you find that? I could've sworn I left them in my underwear drawer..

Lauren: I….uh….stumbled across them….

ZareenBlack: Ok. Lets get started shall we?

Lauren-Emmett-Edward: Get started with what?

ZareenBlack: THE COUNSELLING SESSION! You're paying me by the hour….

Lauren: No, BELLA'S paying you by the hour. So this can go on and on and on….

Bella's bank account: This is going to hurt.

ZareenBlack: So, what seems to be the problem?

Edward and Lauren: Emmett.

ZareenBlack: That's not a problem, that's a pers….oh.

Emmett: Edward, why are you even here?

Lauren: I wanted him.

Everyone: ?

Lauren: HERE! I WANTED HIM HERE! Actually on second thought….

ZareenBlack: So, we'll each have a chance at speaking so we can voice our issues freely. Lauren, you may start.

Lauren: Well….where to start, where to start?

Edward: I'd recommend either the unicorn or peanut butter obsession.

Lauren: Yeah. Those. And….The stealing of babies?

ZareenBlack: EMMETT STOLE A BABY?!

Emmett: Its ok! I returned him!

Lauren: Down a laundry shoot!

Emmett: The _good_ laundry shoot.

ZareenBlack: Anything else?

Edward: He dressed my fiancée up as a unicorn and made me torture her. She's still traumatized.

Lauren: No. I'm fine.

Edward: I'm talking about Bella.

Lauren: Who?

Edward: Bella. You know? Bella Swan.

Lauren: Who?

Edward: I actually don't know any more. I've forgotten.

Lauren: Excellent. *does Mr Burns impression*

ZareenBlack: Ok….Your turn Emmett.

Emmett: Ok. She's obsessed with Edward…

Lauren: Obsessed is a very strong word….*pulls out strand of Edward's hair and puts in pocket to perform voodoo ceremony with later*

Emmett: She's mean and keeps me locked up in a cage when nobody's looking..

Edward: HEY! She does that to me too! With the pink fluffy hand cuffs right?

Lauren: Edward, whatever you do, do NOT mention the chocolate paint…

Edward: And this one time, she was really hungry…

Lauren: ABORT! ABORT!

Emmett:….she reads scary M rated fanfiction aloud about me and Edward….

Edward: The penname didn't happen to be "SmartCullenhasAsecretCrush" was it?

Emmett: No.

Edward: Thank God! Carlisle has been spending a lot of time on the computer lately and I looked at his history the other day…

ZareenBlack: Lauren, would you like to respond to any of the accusations?

Lauren: Ok, about the obsession with Edward, its not unhealthy or anything, its just a little crush.

Emmett: Haven't you already written the wedding vows?

Lauren: WHERE DID YOU FIND THOSE?

Emmett: The I heart Edward folder in your documents.

ZareenBlack: Does Lauren's love for Edward make you uncomfortable, Emmett?

Emmett: Unies. Espescially when her and her friend Margaret talk about him during sexuality class.

ZareenBlack: Lauren? Is this true? What exactly were you saying?

Lauren: Weeeelll….we were drawing the male reproductive system and Margaret had a question. How can Edward have kids if he doesn't have blood? Ya know, he can't get it up and….

ZareenBlack: THIS IS A T RATED FANFIC!

Lauren: It wasn't me who asked!

Margaret: Her answer was "Who cares _how_ he does it as long as I'm the one he's doing it to".

Edward: Disturbing.

Emmett: You're telling ME!

Lauren: Its nothing compared to the whole Bonnie situation. She's Emmett's cabbage patch kid. Two words. Evil Little Doll.

Emmett: Well…..At least I don't have a stupid umbrella with Edward's face on it!

Lauren: *smacks Emmett with amazing umbrella of joy* Take that back!

ZareenBlack: RIGHT! THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH! I know what the problem is.

Lauren and Edward: Emmett.

ZareenBlack: You both need to get out of the house.

Lauren: But….but…there is no computer outside the house. Unless I go to the library…

Emmett: I get out. To the hospital. I should be there now actually…Toodles. *grabs umbrella and runs away*

Lauren: Well that was productive.

ZareenBlack: I'm signing you up for a singles dating website.

Lauren: WHAT? NEITHER OF US ARE SINGLE THOUGH! I have Edward and Emmett has Rose…or Bonnie, it really depends on what mood he's in.

ZareenBlack: Meh. Mere details….

Edward: I really don't see how this helps them to resolve their issues….

ZareenBlack: Yeah, but it'll be funny.

Lauren: Ugh. I need a drink. Actually, I need something stronger. Chocolate body paint Edward?

Edward: I dunno…..

Lauren: I'll make you mountain lion soup….

Edward: With the mane all crispy?

Lauren: I'll see what I can do….

Emmett: *is sitting outside stroking umbrella* Llama Llama duck!

**So there you have it! Me and Emmett are going on singles dating websites! Only, I have a tinsy problem…we need usernames. COMPETITION ALERT! The best and funniest screen names for me and Emmett shall star in the story soon!**

**Mwa!**

**Unioodles!**

**And Unieview!**


	19. Uniiary, Uniarshmallow and OPERATION!

Dear Uniiary,

Uniife is so very unfair.

One minute, i was sliding down my amazing trail of uniummyness towards the hospital. Then, who should I see in the distance?

Well, one was this pale guy who I knew all too well and the other was this uniirl who for some reason kept trying to hold Bucky's hoof.

**Lauren**: It was so totally the other way round. Edward can't keep his hoo....I mean _hands_ off me.

Anywoodles. They stopped me in the middle of my slidy fun to tell me...WE WERE GOING TO UNICORN DISNEY LAND!

My dreams had come true. So I trotted along with them and Lauren was all "Unicorn disney land is right through that door!"

And I was like "Yay!" so I burst through the door and tore my top off because someone told me there was a prophecy that I would get naked.

But it wasn't UDL.

It was this little room with pretty chairs.

But I didn't sit on those pretty chairs. Oh no. I sat on the floor.

Then I got sore so I sat on the pretty chairs.

Mmm...pretty chairs.

Anywoodles (again) we had to talk, Edward made fun of my language, Lauren kept trying to grope Bucky and there was this umbrella and then they told me I had to go on a singles dating website!

And so, yeah. That was my morning.

Lots of Peanut butter -

Emmett.

"So ma posse!" I nodded my head in a totally uniangster way and slung my arms accross Lauren and Edward's shoulders. "What we gonna do today?"

"Why are you speaking wierder than normal, Em?" asked Edward staring at my arm like it was a Unicorn with no horn.

"And why am I still in the story?" demanded Lauren. "I do have a life you know."

*awkward silence*

"I DO!"

"Sure you do, La, sure you do." Edward patted her head.

"Yeah, Ooo! And there's a flying duck." He he. Flying pigs are sooo last year. I take sarcasam to a whole new level.

Lauren coughed and Edward started humming.

**Bella**: *falls asleep on floor as a result of hearing man-candy hum*

**Edward:** Argh! Not again!

**Lauren**: *giggles and prods Bella with stick*

"Can we at least do number 9 before we all go our..." I wiped some honey onto my cheek. "...seperate ways."

Lauren screwed up her nose. "I really should get home, I probably have about a million text messages to ans.....WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?"

"Bella will be wondering where I am...."

Lauren giggled. "Um....no she won't. She's out like a light."

"Unictually, I think she's about to wake up..." I pointed at Bella.

**Bella:** *rolls over and wakes up* Huh? Where am I? Where's Ed...

**Lauren: ***hits Bella over head with rolling pin* Dream happy dreams...OF DEATH! MWAHAHAHA!

Edward sighed. "Her frail body cannot take this much abuse."

"Thats the point."

"To the UNILEVATOR!" I screamed, picking them both up and running to the nearest one. "In! In!"

_9. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally"_

"Hey, Em."

"Yes, creator of mine?"

"Do I get a Unicorn name?"

"Sure. Yours is..... Sheryl."

"Ok, ew."

"She's the unicorn who's addicted to sherbet and caffeine."

Lauren nodded seriously. "I see."

Bing!

A man in a marshmallow suit walked in.

"Greetings Uniarshmallow!"

"Hello puffy friend."

"Can i eat you?"

The marshmallow ignored us.

I kicked him. "Its rude to ignore people. Espescially strangers." I told him.

There was a awkward silence.

So I sniffed him.

"What are you doing?" he asked, sounding just like I imagined a marshmallow would.

"Sniffin me some marshyness."

"Oh. Ok then."

So I sniffed him again.

"Once was ok. Twice is just plain greedy. OUT WITH YOU NOW! I BANISH YOU!"

Then he used his amazing marshmallow powers to kick us out.

"That was pointless." said Lauren.

"Unio way! It was a unidventure!" I did a cartwheel and started to do the unicorn dance.

Edward started to twitch.

**Bella: **Ow my head. Where am I? *opens eyes to dark room*

**Lauren: ***speaking in evil German accent* Ah! ve ave avaken! Velcome to my eeevil lair! MWAHAHAHA!

**Bella: **Are you now going to make some stupid over-rehearsed speech about how much you hate me and now my time has come and victory is yours?

**Lauren:** *hides cue-cards behind back* Noooooo

**Nurse Emmett: **Do I stab the big needle in her now and make her fall asleep?

**Lauren: ** Nah. I'll do the operation next chap. That is....If I get enough reviews. MWAHAHAHA!

**Bella: **Define "enough".

**Lauren: **Hmm....well Bella, I have a ver good answer to your questi....*shoves sock in Bella's mouth* Just review K? Because you really don't wanna miss this surgery. *sharpens knife*

**Nurse Emmett: ***hums "Operation" theme tune*


	20. OPERATION! Cookies and Lauren's Ipod

**Lauren:** Axe.

**Nurse Emmett: ***hands Lauren axe*

**Bella: **Will this hurt very much?

**Lauren: **Hell yes! I vant to hear you scream! MWAHAHA!

**Bella: **Me likes pain.

**Lauren: ***rolls eyes* Photo of Bella.

**.: **Thats incredibly random.. but ok!

**Lauren: **Red felt.

**Nurse Emmett**: *takes out pencil case* Tee hee. This one smells like strawberries...

**Lauren: **Let us begin. *takes lid off felt and draws moustache and devil horns on Bella photo*

**Bella: **That didn't hurt much but... for your enjoyment..... OH NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

**Lauren: ***Mr Burns impression* Excellent. *dresses Bella in 12 inch heels* NOW WALK BITCH!

**Nurse Emmett: ***sobs* I...I thought you bought those for me! *cries onto Charlie the Unicorn's shoulder*

**Charlie: **There there. The right stilettos for you are out there somewhere...

**Bella: ***stumble, trip, stumble, trip* Argh! Blisters!

**.: **As fun as this is... Can we get on with OPERATION! Now?

**Lauren: **Sigh. Ok. *straps Bella to operating table*

**Nurse Emmett and .: **Ooooo! Kinky! *high fives*

**Lauren: ***mutters* Now.... *injects Bella* Hmmm, thats not anethstetic.... Its peanut butter with chilli sauce.... Oh well. I'm sure it has the EXACT same effect.

**Bella: **It burns!

**Lauren: ***chops off Bella's nose*

**Bella: **Well, now, thats just plain inconvinient. Now I can't smell things. *tries to sniff but fails* Daym.

"I swear to Charlie! It looks completely natural!"

"No it does not, Emmett!" Bella screamed, trying to tear the carrot off her nose.

"I glued it on." I explained to her when she couldn't. "With super uniglue!"

"Theres no such thing." she muttered grumpily. She'd been in a bad mood ever since Lauren cut her nose off.

"Is too!"

"Is not."

"Is too."

"IS NOT!"

I held up the bottle.

"Em, thats just a empty bottle of coke with the word 'Uniglue' written on it in crayon."

I smooshed some peanut butter in her hair.

**Lauren: **Te he. 'smooshed'! Love that word. Smooshed!

She just mumbled something about how one day victory would be hers and walked off to whine to Edward.

Bonnie came and sat on my shoulder. "Yo. Wassup my brother."

"Finally!" I exclaimed. "Someone is catching onto my gangsta-ness,"

"Word! Bro! Dude! You wanna ride around town in the gangsta mobile?"

"Rose's convertible?"

"Yeah. It has no roof." she rubbed her hands together.

So we got in the car and drove around town screaming things at little old ladies.

Example....

"You there! Wrinkles! Bake me some cookies! Chocolate chip!"

Then they would bring us cookies and we'd be like, "Ha! We're a vampire and cabbage patch kid! We don't even eat! You baked them for no reason. FOOL!"

And they would just pat us on the head and fondly say what tricky tricksters we were and how "We sure fooled them!"

And we'd be all. "Damn straight! Go knit me a green sweater!" and they'd go to buy wool and we'd drive off.

Man. Fun fun times we have.

Then we got bored when one old lady chase us with her walking stick of DOOM! So we went home and sat at the computer.

"I do believe it is time I signed up for the singles dating site." I told Bonnie seriously, for there is no matter more serious than those of dating sites.

"I agree." said Bonnie.

So we logged on and then Bonnie was like, "Ummm, it says here you have to have a screen name..."

"A screen name?"

"Yes. A name for your screen."

I stroked the computer screen affectionatly. "I name you Bob."

Bonnie rolled her eyes. "Mmmm....no. Your sceen name shall be...._i_want_peanut_butter_smothered_unicorns!_"

She typed it in.

**Lucy Twilight Lover: **Thank you. Thank you all. *takes bow* Autographs later on. *winks at non-existant camera*

**Lauren: **Now, now, Luce. Cockiness is my job. Speaking of which....

Lauren walked in. "Hey. You can all stop crying now. Coz I'm...baack! I took time out of my extremely busy schedule..."

**Crickets: **Chirp.

"Ok, seriously. I _know _you all missed me."

**Awkward Turtle: **Not even _I_ can handle this one.

"I bought a picture of a bunny."

BUNNIES! "I missed you Lauren!" I lied, grabbing the picture. "Hey! This isn't of a bunny! Its of Bella with a moustache and devil horns!"

Lauren sighed. "I never get tired of looking at that picture." her eyes glazed over. "Um, anyway, I'm here to sign up for the stupid dating site thing. She grabbed the keyboard and typed...."

I leaned over to read what she had typed but she slapped me.

"No! I actually haven't decided on mine yet. Lucy is DEFINETLY in the next chapter as her lil prizey prize..."

**Lucy Twilight Lover: ***strokes her wonderful sense of humour and wit* Thank you my sweet sweet little things.

"....So, this is everyone elses chance to get in the next chapter too.... My screen name needs to be special, ya know!?"

I screwed up my nose. "You mean, like, special as in a cupcakes for breakfast on your birthday? Or special as in....me!?"

Lauren rolled her eyes. "Special as in, anything BUT special as in you."

"That makes no sense."

"You make no sense!"

"You invented me!"

Lauren looked like she'd been deeply offended. "No! How dare you! Stephenie Meyer invented you. I merely...renovated you!"

"Hmph." I folded my arms. "Stupid author. Thinks I'm a old house that needs a new coat of paint..."

**Lauren: **Actually you need a whole lot more than a coat of paint. You need a new kitchen, a new bathroom and double glazed windows.... Emmett? Are you listening to me?

**Emmett: ***is listening to Lauren's I-pod* So you're Brad Pitt? That don't impress me much....La la la la....

**Lauren: ***curls into fetal position* Ugh. That is so very very disturbing. Anywoooodles! About the screen name thing...

1. I really _really _like Edward. (This is a hint)

2. If you win, the chapter you are in, involves you hanging out and possibly _making_ out with the character/s of your choice. (Edward is mine but....hey! I'm flexible. If the winner is Team Edward...The chapter may involve a catfight! Me-oooow!)

**Emmett: ***starts belly dancing* So ya got the looks but have ya got the touch?

**Lauren: **Can't....take...this...much longer....Amber! I need Edward!

**.: ***slings Edward over shoulder* Come on now....

**Lauren: ***to Edward's bellybutton* Helooooo!

**Edward's Bellybutton**: *runs away* Good-byeeeeee!

**Edward: **Come back!


	21. WHAT'S IN THE BOX? and Unicorn Nectar

**Lauren: **It's time to play.... "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?"!

**Emmett: **Ooooo! *waves hand in air* Pick me! Pick me!

**Lauren: ***Looks around room* Anyone? Anyone at all?

**Emmett: ***rips his splein out and throws it at Lauren* OVER HERE!?

**Lauren: **Hmm... Who to choose...? I pick.... EDWARD!

**Emmett: ***twitches and falls down*

**Edward: ***is searching for belly button* Heeeere belly, belly, belly... What?

**Lauren: ***hums "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?" theme tune* GUESS WHATS IN THE BOX!

**Emmett: ***puts on x-ray vision goggles* I _KNOW! _Edward! Its a-

**Lauren: **I didn't want to have to do this.... *flicks on TV*

**Everyone: **GASP! HERMAN THE RHINO!

I couldn't believe my eyes! How could anyone be so cruel? I drew peanut butter tears down my face as I watched the screen.

There was Herman. He looked so sad. There was a apple in his mouth. He sat in a big black pot over a fire while these weird natives danced around.

"Why? How could you?"

Lauren shrugged. "The natives are hungry."

"NO! I mean, how could you be so cruel as to give him a Granny Smith apple? He HATES them! Couldn't you have given him a Braeburn? Royal Gala at the VERY least!" I dumped the entire pot of peanut butter over my head.

"You're missing the point, Em. If you don't co-operate from now on, I'm going to tell these natives to EAT Herman!"

"Oh." I reached for the honey. "I have a question."

She pointed a stick at me. "Yes, Emmett?"

"What does Rhinoceros taste like?"

"Red liquorice, or so I've been told."

I scratched my tongue. "And what does that taste like?"

"Bella."

"Is red liquorice yummy, Lauren?"

She grabbed Harry Potter's glasses and put them on, making her look all wise. "Well, grasshopper." she began. "Thou shalt never know till you try, now will ya?"

I shook my head. "That was weird, you went from wise to gangsta in like, a second."

She broke Harry's glasses and threw them in the bin. "Yeah. I got bored."

**Harry Potter: ***stumbles around* I can't see! I can't see! *walks into a lamppost*

"Anywoodles," she continued, "We got distracted. 3 times. 1St, I'm hinting at you to eat Bella so you'll know what red liquorice tastes like, but I don't know where she is so I'm not persevering with that one..."

**Bella: ***pokes head out of closet in France's door* Tee Hee. No one will ever find me here...

"..... 2nd, the Herman the rhino thing, don't tell Edward whats in the box or Herman will be served up in a bowl with chickpeas and little bits of corn..."

"NOT CHICKPEAS!" I screamed.

"Yes, chickpeas." she threw one at me. "So... Edward! Guess away my lover, my soul, my air to breathe, my soul reason for living, my...."

"Is it a... Dog?" Edward guessed, staring sadly at the hole where his belly button should've been.

Lauren glanced at the little square box. "Umm... Nice guess but no."

He thought for a moment and suddenly jumped up. "ITS AN ENGAGEMNT RING! ISN'T IT?"

Lauren smiled all fakely. "Noooo.... One second."

**Lauren: ***runs home and swaps engagement ring for something she finds under her bed*

"Back. Guess again! Last chance, Eddie-poo-pinky-pie!" she said.

Edward stared at the box. "Its.. Season one of Gossip Girl?"

"NEH!" me and Bonnie NEHed.

Edward slapped his knee. "Dang."

Lauren opened the box. "It's... BELLA'S NOSE!"

Me and Bonnie clapped. Edward turned more pale. "Thats gross, Lauren."

"Oh come on Edward! You _nose _you like it!" I screamed. Me, Bonnie and Lauren fell about laughing.

He rolled his eyes and walked off. "Oh, belly! Here lil belly button...."

Lauren wiped a tear from her eye. "Ahh.... Ok, Well the reason I bought up the nose, was because of my screen name."

Bonnie gasped. "Your screen name is going to be Nose?"

Lauren simply yelled, "TO THE COMPUTER!"

When we were there, I licked the screen. "Ah, Bob, I missed you."

Bob-the-screen-with-a-name winked. "I missed you too."

Lauren typed in.... _T__he_new_owner_of_Bella's_nose_!!!!

**Ginnyandhermionierock: **YAY!!!!!!

Lauren patted her head. "And you want to hang out with Jasper, am I right?"

Ginnyandhermionierock nodded.

Lucy Twilight Lover put her hand up. "And I'm team Edward."

Lauren punched her. "MINE!"

"Mine!"

"I heart him more!"

"No! I do!"

"Do you have a umbrella with his face on it?" Lauren smirked. "I didn't think so..."

I nudged Bonnie. "There is gonna be a cat-fight next chapter..."

Alice appeared beside us. "Actually..." her face went blank. "there will be a total of three cat fights going on at all the same time. There will be seven make-out sessions and two deaths..."

Lauren drop-kicked Alice to France before she could give away any more, then settled herself in her seat. "Lets get... INTERNET DATING!"

I sat on the floor beside her. "I'm so excited! I wonder how many people are watching me."

Lauren clicked onto me. "Ha!" she laughed. "No-one! I bet a million people are watchi..."

I peered at the screen. "HA! NOBODY LIKES YOU! EVERYBODY HATES YOU! RUN OUT INTO THE GARDEN AND EAT SOME WORMS!" I shouted at her.

Lauren hung her head and ran out into the garden to go eat worms.

"Sooo...." I turned to Bonnie.

"The list?"

"Uniup!"

"And how shall we arrive?"

"In style!"

So we went on horseback.

Or rather, "uniback"!

"Is this really necessary, Emmett?" complained Charlie the unicorn.

"No." said Bonnie and I.

"Then why are you on my back screaming 'MUSH! MUSH!" whenever I decrease spped?

I ignored him. "Bonnie, what is mush?"

"I type of porridge." Ah. Bonnie is so very very smart.

"I see..."

Charlie bucked us off. "We're here."

I saluted him. "Unianks!"

_"10. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"_

Bonnie's face went all evil. "Thats what you think..." she muttered. "But you're wrong! YOU'RE ALL WRONG!"

I looked around the empty parking lot. "Who's wrong?"

She pointed at a innocent little beetle crawling along the ground. "Him."

I nodded .

Then we went inside.

"Emmett Cullen!" gasped the two people inside.

"Billy. Jacob." I nodded at them. "Uniood Uniay to you."

The doors opened and a lady with a bandage wrapped around her head walked in.

Jacob glared at me. "Here for a brain transplant, Emmett?" he laughed.

The lady with the head bandage gasped and smacked Jacob round the head. "Brain transplants can be very beneficial!" she told him. "I now have the brain of Albert Einstein."

Billy smiled. "Cool. Lets go Jake. We need to shampoo our hair to keep it shiny and silky." But just as he was about to roll out, the doors closed.

Jacob screamed.

This was my chance. "Its ok!" I declared. "They open again!"

Jacob started hyperventilating. "YOU LIE! THEY DO NOT!"

I pressed the open doors button. "Yes they do! See?"

Jacob tried to walk out...but was stopped by some invisible force field of DOOM!

I squealed. "Nooooo! We're all going to die!"

Bonnie rolled her eyes. "You can't d... No. I'm not even going to say it. Anyway... relax, Em. I just put glad-wrap over the doors."

My mouth dropped open. "You...mean...the list was wrong?" YOU MADE THE LIST FAIL!?"

"Yeah..."

I smeared honey over my face. "GO, BONNIE! I BANISH YOU!"

Bonnie sobbed and ran off.

Billy tore through the glad-wrap. "I found a way out!"

Jacob and brain lady cheered and then I was all alone.

I made my way home on foot, sobbing and dabbing myself with peanut butter occasionally.

"I...I am home." I whispered sadly.

"To Emmett, Edward!" came a voice.

"I thought you were hiding in a closet in France somewhere, Bella?" I said as Edward appeared with Bella on his back.

"I was, but then Lauren drop-kicked Alice to France, she found me and bought me back." she explained. "Edward, will you change me?"

Edward ignored her. "How will I ever thank you enough, Alice." he muttered.

"Try making her a card." I suggested. "One coated in peanut butter and dipped in Unicorn nectar."

"Unicorn nectar?"

I giggled. "You don't want to know. But lets just say, if you can milk a cow...."

"EWWWWW!"


	22. THE UNICORN CAR RACE!

**Emmett: ***howls and scratches at door* Lemme iiiin! Lemme iiin!

**Lauren: **Give me a minute Unimett...

**Edward: **Oh God...

**Lauren: **… I'm doing something.... Mysterious...

**OCDSufferer: ***peeks through keyhole* She's putting various padlocks on this giant trunk... Hmm.... *puts on French accent* But vot could be in ze troonk?

**Emmett: ***scratches 'Emmett rox my sox' into the door* He he.... Lauren! I'm bored!

**Lauren: **Sigh. Go on fanfiction! *throws laptop at Emmetts head*

**Emmett: **HA HA HA HA!!! THIS GIRL IS AWESOME! JASPER! LAXATIVES!

**Lauren: ***emerges* Ugh. I never want to see those blueprints ever again!

**Emmett: ***is still mumbling about Jasper needing laxatives* Wait...what???

**Lauren: ***flicks Emmett's nose* You heard NOTHING!!

**Emmett: ***puts on chipmunk voice* Nothing?

**Lauren: **Nothing.

**Emmett: **Sigh. Well I suppose for y... OME LAUREN! ITS EDWARD! HE WANTS TO MARRY YOU!

**Lauren: ***squeals and melts*

**Emmett: ***grabs axe and smashes trunk*

**OCDSufferer: **Non...non, you say eet like zis... 'Troooonk'!

**Emmett: ***raises eyebrow like Bella in New Moon trailer* Kiss me!

**OCDSufferer: **Really???!!

**Emmett: **Pff! No! Ooo... but what are these....? OMAUOJPAH!!! (Oh my amazing unicorns of joy peace and happiness)

**Lauren: ***unmelts herself* UNIRAP!!! HE FOUND THEM!!! THIS IS BEYOND AWFUL! THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!!

**Uniaggie: **(my insanely crazy friend who has named herself Uniaggie instead of Maggie because she loves the Unicorns. Yeah. Tell me about it...) Um... Well as long as she's having a breakdown.... I might as well tell her...

**Emmett: ***Rubs hands together* This is gonna be good....

**Uniaggie: **GOSSIPMAGSARECLAIMINGTHATKRISTENSTEWARTISPREGNANTANDROBPATTINSONISTHEFATHER!

**Everyone: **Huh?

**Lauren: ***curls into fetal position* NOOOOOOO!

**People-who-have-finally-figured-out-what-Uniaggie-was-on-about: **YEEEEES!

"NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!" screamed Lauren hysterically.

Edward patted her shoulder. "There there."

"WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST SHOOT KRISTEN STEWART IN THE HEAD? THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE!"

I hid my Kristen Stewart fanclub card behind my back.

"THAT CHILD SHALL BURN IN HELL! BURN I TELL YOU! BURN!" she started gasping, sounding (dare I say it, which I do) a little bit like Cindy...

"You know, Lauren." Edward said all calmly, as he does, "Rpattz and I, we're really not the same people. I...." he trailed off after seeing her face. "Seriously! We're not."

She flung her arm across her forehead. "I know kind knight."

"I'm not a knight...." he started to say.

"Shut up."

"Ok."

"It could be worse." I said, helpfully stroking her elbow. What? Elbows get sad too! "I could not found the wonderful blueprints. Seriously. They're the best thing since peanut butter!"

Everyone in the room gasped.

And that ain't no lie, sista!" I said, snapping my fingers in a 'z' formation.

"What _were _those blueprints, Emmett?" Bonnie said, coming to sit on my head. Bonnie and I had made up. She'd explained to me that it was her evil twin sister (The lettuce patch kid, Lonnie) who had made the list fail.

I pulled them out and held them out for all to see. "These!" I said through a mega-phone. "Are the blueprints for.... THE UNICORN MOBILE!!!"

Lauren groaned and put her head in her hands. "I thought he'd never find it!" she wimpered. "I put it in the trunk of 'things Emmett is never allowed to see'."

"You did the best you could." said Edward. "Lets just thank our lucky stars that he didn't find the blueprints for Uniastle."

Everyone shuddered.

"This vehicle must be MADE!" I declared in a really deep voice. "And there shall be a CARRACE!"

"Is there a prize?" asked Bonnie.

"The winner will win...... A TRIP TO UNISNEYLAND!"

"Not entering." muttered Edward.

"Not for a million dollars and a kiss from Edward." mumbled Lauren. Then she eyed Edward. "Ok...maybe."

"Not for a shopping spree in Europe." said Alice.

"Not for Emmett's head on a silver platter." hissed Bella in a weird voice because, after all, her nose _had _been cut off. "Ok...maybe."

"DON'T STEAL MY LINE!" screeched Lauren.

"Bring it author girl!"

"Oh I'm gonna bring it!"

"I've already brought it!"

"I brought it first!"

"I brought it before you even thought about bringing it!"

Lauren took a deep breath. "I bought it before your heart even bought the condoms in preparation for having sex with your brain, therefore conceiving the idea of bringing it!"

Bella looked at her shoes. "I've got nothing."

"Ok!" I yelled. "The LOSER of the race will be forced to go to Unisneyland!

"I'm gonna win this thing."

"Lets get the engine going."

"I'm in."

"Lets do it."

I smiled. "Brrrrm brmmmm!"

Lauren threw a rock at the windows. "Come on in girls!"

Lucy Twilight Lover and Ginnyandhermionierock came through.

**Lauren: **Yeah... I'm Lazy. Theres no way in hell...

**Emmett: **Unicorn Hell.

**Lauren: **Sigh. There's no way in _Unicorn hell_ that I'm typing all that. Therefore, I now christen you both.... Lucy and Ginny. K?

**Lucy: **Geez... Creative nicknames...

**Lauren: ***flips hair* I know.

"Well... for the race, I'm definitely driving the Unicorn Mobile." I put on a frilly pink apron and took my Unicorn Mobile out of the oven. "Here's one I prepared earlier!"

"Volvo." said Edward.

"Jacob." said Jasper. "What? He's fast! And I have a whip...."

"Oooo! Kinky!" approved Lauren.

"My super car." said Rosalie.

"A bike." said Alice.

"Herman's dead."

"WHAT?!" I screamed.

Lauren smiled. "You were a naughty boy Em. You pissed me off with the whole breaking my trunk/making me melt thing. So I gave the natives the green light to eat him with...

"No...No!"

"....CHICKPEAS!"

I burst into tears (peanut butter ones).

Alice sighed. "One death down. One to go."

"Me and Lauren had a verbal cat fight." Bella reminded her.

"One cat fight down. Two to go."

*

"START YOUR ENGINES!" I screamed. "ALSO, START YOUR PENUT BUTTER ENGINES.." I flicked mine on. "YOUR ANIMALS..." Jasper whipped Jacob. "AND YOUR PEDALS!" Alice stared at the pedals on her bike with fierce concentration. "ON YOUR MARKS!"

"On your marks." repeated Lauren, who was under Edward's seat in his Volvo.

"GET SET!"

"Get set." repeated Lucy, shoving Lauren for more room.

"AAAAAND..."

"Aaaaand..." repeated Ginny, holding onto Jacob's left leg to get a better view of Jasper.

"GO!"

"YAY!" screamed OCDSufferer, who was on Jacob's right leg and trying to kick Ginny.

Everyone tore up the Cullen driveway (which was lined with peanut butter for effect).

Bonnie was commentating. "Aaaand Jaspers coming up front at the moment.....Whip him! Whip him harder! Edward's not far behind... Rose is coming up behind him....GO EMMETT! GO! But wait! What's this? Oh for the love of UNICORNS! Bella!"

I turned around in the U.M to see poor little Bella. Plodding along in the dust on a little shetland pony.

"FASTER!" she was screaming at it. "GO! MUSH MUSH!"

Bonnie rolled her eyes and continued. "Jasper is still coming first...wolf power is very effective...pony power, not so much....The finish line is so close the participants can hardly stand it... OH OH WE HAVE A WINNER!!!"

Jasper raised his hands in the air. "YES!!!!" then he started making out with Ginny and OCD at the same time.

"Two make-out sessions down, five to g.... JASPER!" Alice stormed over.

Bonnie and I covered our eyes. "I have a feeling OCD and Ginny won't be appearing in the story for a while..." I muttered.

"NO!" Bella screamed. "I LOST! STUPID PONY!" she grabbed a knife and....Stabbed the pony.

Joe the Pony: Ouch. *dies*

"And....Those are the deaths." said Bonnie cheerfully.

"Wait!" I squealed. "We need to start two more catfights! Right now! Alice said that three catfights would happen ALL AT THE SAME TIME! The Lauren vs Bella one didn't count!"

Everyone gasped.

Lauren nodded seriously and wiped a tear from her eye. "For the greater good." she said selflessly and went to punch Bella.

Rosalie grabbed Bonnie. "Yah. The greater good. Blah blah..." and she started pulling Bonnie's buttons off.

Ouch.

The five remaining make out sessions are as follows...

Lauren and Edward. (SHOCK!)

**Lauren: **What? We all knew it was gonna happen. Don't act so surprised....

Alice and Ginny. (Yeah, Alice gets passionate when she fights...)

Rose and Bonnie. (See above)

Emmett and his hand. (I felt left out...So did handy.)

Jasper and Jacob.

**Jasper: **DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I'm not changing teams! The guy helped me win, thats all! WHAT?!

**A/N**

**Lauren: **I should....erm...probably apologize or something for my lil outburst at the start.... I'm very very bitter about that rumour.

**Uniaggie: **You've got THAT right. She sent me a 7 page text about it. It included the F word 23 times.

**Lauren: **SHUT UP UNIAGGIE! NOW EVERYONE THINKS I'M A FREAK! *strokes Edward cardboard cut-out and froths at the mouth. No, but seriously, check out the story Em was reading at the start. Three words. So. Damn. Funny. Its in my favourite stories. Called the Buddy System of DOOM!


	23. Dove, Joe the pony and Elephants

"Congratulations Bella!" I said, patting her on the nose. "You get to go to Uniisneyland!"

Bella burst into tears.

I nudged Alice. "Aw. I bring joy."

"I-I-I d-d-d-don't w-wanna g-go!" she sobbed.

"Cough. Cindy. Cough."

"Come on now, love." Edward said. "Its going to b-.."

"You mean dove." Lauren interrupted him.

"What?"

"You said 'Come on now, love.' But really, you should have said come on now _dove._" She explained.

Bella stopped sobbing in surprise. "You think I'm a pretty bird?"

Lauren smiled sweetly. "Awwww. No. Doves are white. White is the opposite of black. Black is the colour of the the grim reapers cloak. The grim reaper is the symbol of death. Death rhymes with _meth . _Meth is a type of drug. So is heroin. In twilight you said Bella is your brand of heroin. So thats what you should be calling her. Dove."

Everyone looked at her like she was crazy. Which she was.

She sighed. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the garden eating worms."

"Anywaaaaay." Alice clapped her hands. "All my predictions came true."

I shook my head. "Except for the death one. Only one person died. Poor Herman." I did the sign of the cross. "May he rest in pieces."

"Ok, firstly, its rest in peace!"

"No. The evil natives thought he was too big to swallow whole, so they chopped him up."

"Oh." She made a face. "Whatever. You were wrong. Joe, the pony Bella was riding, died too. Bella stabbed him."

Everyone turned to glare at Bella. She went all red. Like Bucky did when the Unicorns killed him for snorting too much. There was a lot of blood.... "What? The stupid horse didn't respond to mush!"

I shook my head. "Poor Joe. Poor innocent Joe."

Alice's face went all blank. Like a blanky. I love blankies. I have mine from when I was little. Its yellow.

"He's waking up!" Alice squealed. "Joe is waking up! He was in a coma in the hospital! He didn't die after all!"

Bella's eyes went all big. "D-does he look...angry?"

Alice tilted her head to the side. "Does sharpening a knife and muttering 'She shall pay' count as angry?"

"Yes!" squeaked Cindy-poo.

"Then yup. I'd say he's pretty darn mad."

"Ooo! Lets all go visit him!" I suggested. He he. We could fit in a lil trip to the elevator...maybe to the gift shop..Give Edward plastic surgery...

"Great idea!" said everyone except Bella.

"No! He'll kill me!" she screamed.

"And....?"

"Emmett!" warned Edward. "Don't worry, Bella. Nothing is going to happen to you. No-one will hurt you."

I flicked her nose.

"Ow!"

"Except me." I giggled.

*

When we all went into Joe the pony's room it was dark. You couldn't see anything, but a figure hunched in the corner.

"Uh....Joe?"

He jumped up on two legs. "Who's there?"

"Emmett!" I squealed. "And these other...things."

Joe came slowly over to me and poked me in the cheek. "It IS you!" He did a little horsey dance.

"I'mreallysorryJoe." said Bella the Cindyliscious Uniuman.

Joe pursed his giant, hairy, horsey lips. "Where. Is. My. Knife?"

I smiled sympathetically and handed it to him. "Are you going to be cutting a cake?"

He shook his head. "No, Emmett. I'm going to be cutting up Bella." He started to sharpen it. "As soon as I'm finished sharpening the knife...."

Lauren poked her head through the window, her mouth full of worms. "Sharpening takes to long! GUN HER!"

Joe pouted. "I wish I could but I....Oooo! Worms!"

While Joe was distracted, trying to purchase some worms off Lauren, Bella nudged Edward. "Get me out of here!"

But Edward had discovered the Demi Lovato album on a certain authors I-pod of DOOM! And there was no stopping him now....

"_I'm not a supermodel, I still eat McDonald's, baby. Thats just me.._."

Bella looked very puzzled. "Since when do you eat McDonald's, Edward?"

"_I wanna get back to the old days, when the phone would ring and I knew it was you. I wanna..._OOO! Taylor Swift!"

"What do you mean the old days? What old days?"

"_You should've said no, you should've gone home..." _

Bella burst into tears. "I'M SORRY OK? I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING! THE SHOP ASSISTANT TOLD ME IT LOOKED NICE WITH MY COMPLEXION!"

I sidled up to her. "I'll get you out of here if you tell me what you're talking about."

Her eyes lit up. Like a lightbulb. A brown lightbulb. Hm... If a lightbulb is brown, does that me it's chocolate flavoured? "Really?"

"Unieally. Joe's too busy haggling with Lauren to pay any attention to you right now. The price at the moment is four dollars a worm. Joe will most likely keep at it till three fifty."

She glanced over at him. "Ok. Lets go."

"Curl into the fetal position."

She curled like curly fries. I put her on my head. "Oh my." I said loudly. "This _hat _is making my head hot. I think I shall step outside, taking my _hat _with me, as there is no reason for me to leave my _hat _in here. Because it is a _hat. _Not a girl by the name of Bella." Then I walked out.

"Nice, Emmett." she said, climbing down. "Very subtle."

I turned my nose up at her. "I'm pretending I know what that means by saying 'Shut up'. Now, tell me what you were on about before. Was ittle Bellsie nawwwwty?"

"I-I..." she looked at her feet. "I did something awful, Emmett."

"Unipit it out."

"I BOUGHT A TEAM JACOB T-SHIRT!"

I gasped and fell to my knees. "No!"

"Yes." she moaned. "The Edward ones only came in red..and...and red clashes with the colour of my nose. So I bought a Jacob one in blue."

I put my hand over my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. "Where?"

"Where what?" she groaned.

"Where is it now?" I whispered.

She started sobbing and lifted her shirt.

I gurgled and pounded the floor. "Why?! YOU WEAR IT UNDER EVERYTHING?! DON'T YOU?!"

"Yes." she sobbed.

I grabbed some water and started spraying her with it. "Devil child!"

She nodded. "God now hates me. I think I've been cursed. Thats why Tanya's been appearing under my bed every night, trying to kill me. My curse has put her there."

**Lauren: ***coughs awkwardly* Yah. The curse. Totes.

I pulled a strand of hair out of her head.

"Ow."

"You know what you need to do, don't you? To condone for your sins."

She nodded seriously. "Cover myself in blood and give Edward a lapdance to make up for it."

"No! Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella, Cindy, Bella. Which is the purest of all animals?"

"The flamingo."

I threw more water. "No, devil child! The unicorn!"

"O-kay..."

"So, you must become a Uniist. Thats the religion of all Unicorn lovers. Join, and be freed of all sins."

"I'll do it!"

I smiled happily. "Ok. Lets go downstairs via the ELEVATOR and to our first Uniist meeting."

_ out 'Group Hug' and then enforce it._

"Elvevatorians!" I called when we were inside the elevator. "We have come to spread the JOY!"

The little old man in the wheelchair and his nurse looked at us all weird.

"Group HUG!" I screamed. "You take ol' nursey and I'll take care of Mr Cheelwhair."

"On it." Bella spread her arms out wide and walked slowly towards the nurse.

"No! No! Stay back!" she screamed. "I'm armed!"

Bella shook her head. "You're holding a stethoscope...."

The nurse swung it around, karate style and smacked Bella right in the eye.

"Um...That actually really hurt..."

The nurse dug in her bag. "Eyedrops?"

"Oooo, thanks!"

I crept slowly towards Uniheelchair guy. He wasn't expecting it...Just sitting there twiddling his thumbs...Closer..closer...

"Feel my wrath!" he screamed, yanking the needle from his hand and shoving it up my nose.

"My nose! My poor little nosy!" I grabbed Bella's arm and pulled her out of the elevator. No way could I go to a Uniism meeting in this condition.....

"Well that sucked."

I scowled and tugged at the needle. "That was all your fault Bella."

"Um, how?"

I ignored her stupid, out of the blue question. Bella needed to learn to stay focused on things. "Elephants are the only mammals who can't jump."

"Really?"  
"Well, apart from you Bella. Except, we don't know for sure if you're a mammal. Maybe after a few more experiments..."

"I can jump!" she insisted.

"Without falling over like Cindy when she's had to many liquor chocolates? Oh wait, that was you..."

She looked at the ground. "Take me home, Emmett."

"Sure thing, elephant girl." I picked her up and took her to her true home.

10 minutes later...

"Hey, everyone!" I called.

"Emmett!" Edward yelled frantically. "Where's Bella? I don't know what happened! Demi and Taylor distracted me and.... Next thing I knew, she was gone!"

I patted his shoulder. "No need to be uniorried. I took her home."

He let out a big whoosh of his stinky non-unicorn-believer breath. "Thats ok then. Charlie will take care of her."

I raised my eyebrow. "Noooo, I took her to her _true _home. Bella is currently sitting in a elephant enclosure at the zoo."

**Lauren: **Ok, How the hell am I supposed to upload this chapter for the good people *winks* When you WON'T GET OFF FANFICTION!?

**Emmett: **Tee hee.... Buddies, Jasper on laxatives...

**Lauren: **This happened last time, WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT!?

**Emmett: **Its a seeeecwet!

**Lauren: ***glares* Tell me! I hate secrets!

**Emmett: **It is a secret the readers and I share. *puts on a advertising voice* Do YOU want to be in on the secret? Click on MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles's profile RIGHT NOW and read "The Buddy System of DOOM!" by help-me-think-of-a-name!

**Lauren: ***tries to read it but Emmett has stolen mouse* Dammit....


	24. Unioliceman, Uniational Anthem and Pasta

**Lauren: ***throws hand over face in dramatic pose* Please, Edward! Don't do this!

**Edward: ***grabs suitcase and starts to pack* I'm taking Bella somewhere safe. Somewhere where you can no longer throw her in elephant enclosures or....or force her to kill Shetland ponies!

**Lauren: **Joe recovered just fine thank you very much!

**Edward: **Thats not the point.

**Emmett: **THIS is the point. *pokes Edward with pencil* THATS the point. Ha ha ha.... Of. The. Pencil....Sigh.

**Lauren: **Emmett, this is serious. Go sit in your corner.

**Emmett: ***goes and sits in the naughty corner*

**Lauren: ***gets on hands and knees* Edward! I can change! We....we can do more stuff together!

**Edward: ***puts on brunette wig* Like what? *flips hair over shoulder* Like eat at the diner every night? Steak and cobbler? Dad...er...Lauren, thats you, thats not me!

**Emmett: **Are we done quoting the movie now?

**Edward: ***rips off wig* Yes. Come on Bella. *stuffs Bella in the suitcase* Goodbye, Lauren. It will be as if I never existed.

**Lauren: ***curls into fetal position* Love. Life. Meaning. Over. JACOB!

**Jacob: **Huh?

**Lauren: ***tosses Jake sun costume* Put this on and sing '_You are my sunshine' _over and over.

**Jacob: **Because.....

**Lauren: **Hellooooo? Because you've got to pull be out of my sad state of zombie depression. Then I'll ditch you when Eddie comes back. Kapeesh?

**Jacob: **Sounds fair.

**Lauren: **Great. Lets go jump off a cliff.

Bonnie and I were having a heath and beauty spa day.

"It's no fun anymore." I moaned, while wearing my peanut butter face mask. "Everyone I enjoy annoying is gone."

Bonnie pulled out 'Emmett's official 'annoyee's' list. "That can't be true.... Edward? Bella?"

I sighed. "Last I heard, Bella was very excited to go to some 'How to be a kick-ass vampire in 6 easy steps' convention."

"Lauren? The author of all evil?"

"Building motorcycles with Jake."

"Mike?"

"Still in therapy after I tried to cut him open with an axe."

"Charlie?"

"The unicorn or Bella's daddy?"

Bonnie shrugged. "I'm good with either."

I thought for a moment. "Weeeeell, Charlie the Unicorn is busy with his other unicorn friends, they're plotting to take over the world using only a calculator and animal crackers."

"That's a good plan." Bonnie approved. "And the human?"

I checked Charlie's planning diary. "He's free. You wanna ask if he wants to play shower baseball again?"

Bonnie clapped her hands in delight. "Then we can force him to take us fishing!"

"Then we can take turns at trying on his moustache!"

"Then we can ride around in the police car!"

I gasped. "We should appoint him an OFFICIAL Unioliceman! One that enforces the law of the unicorns proudly!"

Bonnie danced a little jig, showing her approval.

"Lets go!"

*

It had been less than half an hour.

Charlie was already crying.

"P-p-please!" he dropped his fishing rod in the bathtub we were fishing in. "S-stop with the terrible unicorn jokes!"

I ignored him and turned to Bonnie who had just managed to hook up a large loofa. "Why did the unicorn cross the road?"

Bonnie smiled sweetly. "Why?"

"To buy a new...HOOOORN!"

Charlie groaned. "Not. Even. Funny."

"Knock knock?" asked Bonnie.

"Who's there?" I sang in a opera voice.

"Uni."

"Uni who?"

"UNI...COOORN!"

We fell about, laughing hysterically.

I stopped suddenly. "Chaaaaarlie?"

Charlie eyed me cautiously. "Yes?"

"Can I try on your moustache?"

Charlie looked puzzled. Like a jig-saw. Ha ha. "A moustache is not something you can just 'try on'. It is permanent. It is a part on me." he fell to his knees. "It is GOD!"

I scratched 'Ask to try on moustache' off my list. "He has serious issues." I whispered to Bonnie, stroking my unihorn.

"Charles." Bonnie started in a formal voice. "We have a bone to pick with you."

I bought out the bone. "Let us start to pick."

As we were picking our bone, I said. "We need to ask you something. Only, it isn't exactly asking, because, if you say no, we're just going to kidnap you and make you do it anyway."

Charlie looked scared.

"We want you to become a member of the Uniolice force."

"The what?"

I sighed and bought out a megaphone. "I SAID, WE WANT YOU TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THE UNIOLICE FORCE!"

"OH!" Charlie shouted back. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

"STOP YELLING AND I'LL TELL YOU!" I stuffed a bar of soap in his mouth to shut him up. "Basically, we will paint unicorns on your police car, you will wear a horn, when people are bad you will feed them peanut butter until they're good again, you will force them to live their lives by the uniaw..."

"Uniaw? Is that like a law for unicorns?"

I pulled a piece of paper out of my pocket with a flourish. "Ahem. Law one. Every citizen must own a unicorn."

"Where is everyone gonna find their own unicorn? They don't even ex-"

"Law two." Bonnie interrupted. "A unihorn is to be worn at ALL times. Even when bathing in peanut butter."

"Law three. There is a new staple diet. Breakfast- Peanut butter with cereal. Lunch- melted peanut butter mixed with shampoo to make unioup. Dinner- Roast peanut butter. And for snacks...."

"Truffles!" finished Bonnie. "Law four....."

7 hours later....In 'Uniime' (according to Emmett, this is half of our normal time. So it's really three and a half hours later. Just thought you should know. Incase....you...were...confused.)

"Law three hundred and seventy three." said Bonnie in a cheery voice. "The new national anthem is 'All hail Unicorns'. It goes as following...."

We both started to sing our national anthem/ rap.

_All hail the mighty unicorn..._

_Make it happy, not forlorn._

_Give it peanut butter to eat,_

_Carry it, coz it don't have feet_.

_Unicorns are really cool._

_They all go to unichool._

_Bucky is the snorty one._

_We should shoot him, where's the gun?_

_Cindy is stupid too._

_Emmett sent her to a zoo._

_Lola is a tiny thing,_

_Ooo! A necklace. That's called BLING!_

I giggled. "It's a work in progress."

But Charlie was asleep.

"It was our sweet voices that lulled him to sleep." Bonnie explained. "Lets go do the list."

I pulled the elevator list out from under the toilet. "Ah. How did it get under there?"

Bonnie shrugged. "Probably the bathroom elves. They're always hiding things."

I nodded that explained so much. Darn those elves.... "Number 12....Number 12.... AHA!"

This was going to be good.

And only one person could help us....

*

"You lured me away from Jacob, just as we were about to go to the movies with Mike, for the ELEVATOR LIST?!"

Lauren said it like it was a bad thing.

"Ah, but Lauren, you can help us so very very much!" I shoved the list under her nose. "Read number twelve."

She sighed happily. "Ah, number twelve already. Only four more and I can lock you in your cage forever...."

I scowled. I hated that cage. And she was constantly poking me with a stick.... "Just read."

"Ok...Ok.. _12. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"_" She shook her head. "And this has something to do with me because......?"

I picked her up and dangled her over the edge of a high rise building.

She squealed. "I HEAR HIM! I HEAR EDWARD'S VOICE!"

I put her down. "Yes. So you see? You have voices in your head! You can HELP us!"

I whisked her to the hospital and into the nearest elevator.

"Unireetings!" I bowed to the psychiatric nurse for crazy people who was standing in the corner.

She nodded at me sympathetically and made a note on her clipboard.

"Lauren!" I whispered. "Go! Say your line!"

"But I don't WANT the voice to shut up. It's velvety. Like...velvet."

I held up the peanut butter jar of DOOOOOM.

She gasped. "Ok! Don't do anything drastic!" she eyed the crazy peoples nurse and said in a flat voice, "Shut. Up. Just. Shut. Up. All. Of. You." then she smacked her hand against her forehead.

The nurse grabbed a rope that had appeared out of nowhere. "CRAZY PERSON! CRAZY PERSON ON THE LOOSE!" she tied Lauren up while Bonnie and I plaited each others hair.

"EMMETT!" screeched Lauren as the nurse took her away. "DO SOMETHING!"

"Bonnie," I said calmly. "You're hair is a very nice colour."

Bonnie nodded. "It's straw."

**Lauren: ***escapes from the loony bin* Must! Find! Edward!

Meanwhile in a Italian cafe...Bella and Edward are enjoying a nice bowl of pasta...Well, Bella is....

**Edward: **That sauce looks lovely, Bella.

**Bella: **It is. It's a fine mix of paprika and orageno, with a dash of....

**Lauren: ***bursts into cafe* NO EDWARD! DON'T KILL YOURSELF! I'M ALIIIIIIVE!

**Edward: **What?

**Lauren: **Don't go into the SUN! I'M NOT WORTH IT!

**Bella: **Are we being punk'd?

**Lauren: **IT'S ALL A MISTAKE! ALICE WAS WR....Ooo! Are those meatballs?


	25. Soup, Prudence and Harry

**Lauren: ***scans internet frantically* WHERE ARE THEY??? THERE SHOULD BE THOUSANDS BY NOW!

**Emmett: ***is repeatedly throwing an acorn in the air and catching it again* Where are what?

**Lauren: **THE LaurenxEdward FANFICTIONS!! EDWARD AND MY RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE PUBLIC NOW, THERE SHOULD BE FANFICTIONS WRITTEN ABOUT US!

*****awkward silence*

**Edward: **Wait, what relationship? You mean the relationship where you burst in on Bella and I eating pasta in Italy and scream that you're alive? That relationship? Because that's not a relationship. That's just annoying.

**Lauren: ***sobs* So many lemony opportunities! Gone!

**Emmett: **La la la...ACORNS!

**Lauren: **On a more unimportant note, I am dedicating this chapter to my little brother. I was watching Twilight with him last night (I'm training him. Like a poodle) and I've taught him to boo every time Bella comes on screen.

**Emmett: ***giggles* He also said James looks like a fish.

**Lauren: **Yeah, that was weird.

"I can't believe this." muttered Bella, taking a spoonful of her peanut butter and shampoo soup and sniffing it. She gagged. "This is so so gross."

Bonnie and I watched her solemnly. "The law is the law." I said. "Just ask Charlie."

Bella glanced up at Charlie who flashed her his Uniolice badge. "He's right Bella. It's the law. You must obey."

"You must obey." Bonnie and I chanted. "You must obey."

"Okay, okay!" Bella wrinkled her nose and taking a sip. "Oh God!" she stood up and rushed to the bathroom.

I winked at Charlie. "She had such a flavour sensation, the excitement was too much. She had to pee." I explained.

Charlie nodded and went to watch TV.

I turned to Bonnie. "Do you want to buy a guinea pig?"

"A Uniuinea pig." she corrected me sternly. "Yes. It'll help us with our next listy task.

A saw drew a circle in the floor and Lauren popped her head through the hole. "After this one, ONLY THREE MORE TO GO!"

I pouted. "You _want _to get rid of us. Don't you?"

"Yes."

I pouted some more. Like a water spout. Only without the water. And with a 'p'.

"The Uniuinea pig?" Bonnie reminded me, stomping on Lauren's head.

"I wanna pink one" I said dreamily. "With purple ears. And the sparkliest horn in the world."

"We can paint it?" suggested Bon Bon. "And surgically attach the horn?"

I nodded and grinned evilly. "I like doing surgeries."

And so, we set off in search of....A PET STORE!

Dun dun duuuun!

We found one in Forks Mall. "Prudence's Pets." Bonnie said pointing to it.

"I'm going in." I took a deep breath. "If I don't come out.... You need to finish the list. And tell Edward I love him."

Lauren popped up again and bitch slapped me. "He's mine bitch!"

I ignored her, pulled on my balaclava and walked into the pet store with the gun I had purchased earlier held high.

People gasped and put their hands in the air when I came in, my gun pointed at the lady at the counter. "Are you Prudence?" I demanded.

She nodded shakily, looking at the gun like she was scared of it or something.

I smiled. "Then I would like to purchase one guinea pig please." I requested politely.

Prudence started to cry. "Y-yes, j-just please don't hurt me."

"Well, _duh_!" I patted her head fondly. Humans. Can't live with them, and Carlisle gets mad if you try to kill them. "Of _course _I won't hurt you! As long as you bring me a pink guinea pig with purple ears. Don't worry about the horn though."

Prudence started shaking. "Ah, come t-through and p-p-pick one out y-yourself...." she started to shuffle towards some cages and pointed to a fluffy white one. "I call this one Bill-"

"HARRY!" I screamed.

"N-no dear. His name is Bill."

I glared at her. "HARRY!"

"B-Bill!" She was turning red. I wondered if she was a relation of Bella's. "I name each and every one of my pets. His name is BILL!"

I flicked her nose and she scowled.

"What's his name?" I asked sweetly.

"Harry." Prudence mumbled taking him out of the cage. "That will be $17.80."

I stuck the money in her perm and took Harry. Then I held up the gun again. "Pleasure doing business with you."

"Cute!" giggled Bonnie when I came out. "Can we go spray paint him and attach the horn now?"

I shook my head. "We have to get our priorities right. First, we must order a ton of food and start a food fight in the food court. Then do number thirteen on the list. _Then _we can harm the guinea pig."

Bonnie sighed. "We have a busy schedule."

I shrugged. "It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it."

*

"You are _not _serious?!"

I held up my new bag as we walked to the elevator. "I am! Only two dollars."

"But it's Prada!" Bonnie climbed on my head to get a better view. "I thought Prada was expensive."

I shrugged. "I stole it from some pregnant chick. Then I dropped two dollars as I was running away."

She nodded. "Oh. I get it now."

I pressed the elevator button. "Button....Rhymes with mutton."

The doors opened and we skipped in, only to find it empty.

_13. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"_

I turned away from the people who were not inside the elevator. "Give me a second to check on Harry." I opened my new bag and looked inside. "Ya alright Uniarry? Got enough air?"

Harry didn't answer. I reached inside and pulled him out. "Harry?" He was kind of limp so I swung him around a few times. "Harrrryy?"

I decided he must've been a heavy sleeper so I threw him back into my bag and zipped it up again.

"Now I'm ready." Bonnie was looking at me with her mouth hanging open. "What?"

"Unimmett!" she squealed. "You just completed the task without even realising it!"

I clapped my hands and jumped around the elevator. "I get promoted!"

Bonnie nodded. "The ceremony shall be tomorrow!"

I threw peanut butter at all the people in the elevator who were not there as I was crying happy tears. "This is the best day of my life!"

"Apart from the fact that Harry is dead."

I gasped. "Bonnie! Don't even talk like that!"


	26. Emarry Potter and Carldemort!

**Emmett: ***is dressed in lacey black dress* W-why?! WHY MUST HE BE GONE!?

**Lauren: **Who cares. *eats cracker*

**Emmett: **DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU CARE! I DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY! *smears peanut butter over a handkerchief*

**Lauren: **Ok...

**Emmett: **YOU NEVER APPROVED OF HARRY DID YOU? EVEN AT THE WEDDING, YOU SAT THERE WITH A FROWN ON YOUR FACE! AND THEN WHEN HE GAVE BIRTH TO OUR CHILD, WHERE WERE YOU? NOWHERE!

**Lauren: ***munches on second cracker*

**Emmett: **AND DURING THE DIVORCE YOU WERE HAPPY AS A LAMB!

**Bella: **Does that mean me? I'm a lamb.

**Emmett: **A REAL lamb!

**Bella: **That hurt Emmett. That really hurt. I AM A REAL LAMB! I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! I'LL PROVE IT TO ALL OF YOU!

**Lauren: **Sigh. Screw the crackers. I need something stronger. *opens packet of chocolate biscuits*

"Would you like to say a few words Emmett?" Carlisle asked like he was bored or something. I couldn't imagine why. The funeral had only been going seven and a half hours. An hour for every minute Harry and I shared...

I sniffed and shook my head. "No. It would only set me off."

"Why don't you say something Bella?" Bonnie suggested sweetly. "We all know how brilliant and unawkward you are when it comes to public speaking. Lets all stare at Bella in a pressurising and attention-filled way."

Everyone stared and Bella stopped knitting. Wait...knitting?

**Lauren: **We'll come to that later...

Whatever.

Bella turned bright red. "I...I..."

Edward narrowed his eyes at Bonnie. "How much did...." he glanced at Bella. "L-A-U-R-E-N pay you?"

"I know how _her _name is spelt Edward." Bella snapped. "I'm not stupid."

Somwhere, someone sitting in a tree eating biscuits laughed hysterically.

"She paid me in stuffing." Bonnie explained. "Am I looking significantly plumper?"

I burst into peanut tears again. "H-harry was p-plump..."

Everyone was still looking at Bella expectantly.

"Uh...Harry was a good guinea pig..." she mumbled.

"Uniuinea pig." Bonnie and I corrected her.

Bella apparently didn't hear us. "And..uh..he was named after Harry Potter, right?"

I threw a tomato at her. "Get off the stage!"

"I'm not on a-"

"For your information," I sobbed. "Harry was named after Harry Uniinkle, the FIRST EVER unicorn president."

"Ok..." Bella scratched her head. "So as I was saying, Harry was really cool and...stuff."

"Uniternal reeest!" I started to sing in a opera voice. "Graaaant to him oh Charlie! And let peanut butter shine upon him."

"May he rest in honey." Bonnie sang. "May he rest in honey."

There was a awkward silence as we sobbed. Then Esme started to slowly clap.

"T-thank y-you." I sobbed. "We're signing CD's out back s-so if any of you want to-"

"Do we have any yogurt left?" Bella asked Edward conversationally.

"Yes." he replied. "Chocolate."

She pouted. "I prefer strawberry."

I howled. "H-Harry..."

"Harry liked strawberries?" Alice guessed sarcastically.

"No." I sobbed. "Harry preferred stuff too!"

"Ok." Carlisle started to walk away. "The funeral is officially over. We have buried Harry." he pointed to the little grave. "We have said hundreds of unirayers. You've dressed us all in horns and hooves. _Enough! _In fact, enough of all this unicorn stuff altogether!"

I gasped and pointed a shaky finger at him. "Y-you...YOU HATE UNICORNS!"

"What? No! Well, yes. But thats not what I was s-"

"YOU ARE EVIL!"

Edward snorted. "Emmett, don't be stupid. Carlisle is the least evil person ever."

"EEEEVIL!" I howled. Then my mouth dropped open. "It all makes sense now. It's like this is the last piece of the puzzle..."

"What all makes sense...?" asked Carlise cautiously.

"YOU'RE DARTH VADER!" I screamed.

Bella raised her hand. "Can I be Luke Skywalker?"

"NO!" I yelled at her. "THIS IS NOT A JOKE!" I started to run around in circles with my hands in the air. "CODE RED! CODE RED!"

Bonnie slapped me and I stopped. "Emmett! Stop it! You're being absolutely ridiculous. Carlisle is _not _Darth Vader....."

"Thank you Bonnie."

"...HE'S VOLDEMORT!"

We both squealed and clutched each other.

"DON'T CURSE US CARLDEMORT!" I begged.

Bonnie threw a purple grape at him. "Look Carldemort! It's the philosophers stone!"

Bella stopped knitting and grabbed the grape. "Oooo! Is it seedless?"

I nodded and she started to eat it.

Edward stopped looking shocked for a moment. "Bella, love, don't eat that. It's been on the ground...." But she growled at him and covered her grape protectively so he backed away.

"CAAARLDEMORT!"

Carldemort started to run away but I grabbed his collar and dragged him back. "Albice!" I called. "Albice Dumbledore! Help us!"

Alice groaned. "If I help you will you leave me alone?"

"Albice! You must cast a spell to make Carldemort DIEEE!"

She sighed. "Ok. Ummm, hocus pocus?"

"BOOM!" Bonnie made the sound effects.

"He is dead!" I declared triumphantly.

"But I'm right he-"

"DEAD!"

Bonnie sighed happily. "What now Emarry Potter?"

I scratched the scar I had painted on with peanut butter. "I believe that unicorns favour wizards. Is that correct?"

She nodded.

"Then perhaps we will have more luck with our sacred list now that we are..." I threw some glitter into the air. "...magical!"

"Magical." she echoed.

I grabbed a leash. "Lets go."

"What's the leash for?"

I nodded at Jacob who I had kept locked in a cage as punishment ever since he and Jasper won the Unicorn race. "Jake is getting restless. He needs to stretch his furry legs."

"Leech!" Jacob whined. "I phased back _days _ago! I'm not a wolf anymore! Let me out!"

"The dog talks!" hissed Bonnie.

I tied the collar around Jacob's neck. "Come on doggie!" I cooed in a baby voice. "Come for walkies!"

"But I-"

"You do not speak." I growled. "Only woofing."

He glared at me and scowled. "Woof."

"What did he say oh wise one?" Bonnie asked.

"He says he wants some peanut butter." I translated.

"I didn't s-" He saw my face. "I mean...woof."

"I'm sorry Tina...."

"The girly unicorn with a long mane." piped up Bonnie.

"... But peanut butter time is not now. It is after we go walkies."

Bonnie tried to poke her tongue out at him but then realised she didn't have one.

"Woof woof woof." muttered Jake darkly.

"Now now Tina." I scolded. "No need for cursing."

"Woof."

I nodded kindly. "I forgive you."

Bonnie looked confused. "I don't understand him at all. Ask him to speak in unicorn language."

I nodded. "You heard the doll, Tina. Speak our lingo."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Unioof?"

Bonnie and I clapped our hands. "Congratulations. You are now one of us."

He howled sadly and curled into the fetal position.

"Lets go get listy!" I giggled. I yanked at the leash and Jacob got down on all fours. "Crawl!"

*

"You are so SLOW!" I complained half an hour later when we reached the hospital elevator. "I thought you wolves were supposed fast or something."

"Ow! My knees!" groaned Jacob flopping down onto the ground.

I pulled at the leash. "Bad dog! No talking! Only unioofing!"

"Unioof."

Bonnie gave us each a razor. "Number fourteen requires us to be emo. These are just incase you want to really get into the role." she patted Jacob's shoulder kindly. "Lauren recommends you really _really _get into this role Jake. Do you need me to show you?" she positioned the razor on her wrist. "Ok, watch me and then you try...."

"We don't have time for this!" I cried. "The unicorns will get irritable!"

They nodded and I pushed them into the elevator where a group of cheerleaders were waving pom poms at us.

"Heeeeeey!" one squealed at me. "WUU2?"

"NM." I replied. "WBU?"

"We're here because Stacey hurt her ankle at practice today." she pointed at a blonde one in a cast.

"OMFG!" I gasped. "Poor Stacey!"

The girl nodded. "I know. I'm Britney BTW."

"Emarry." I held out my hand. "Emarry Potter. I defeated Carldemort the dark wizard."

She looked confused. "Is that like Prada?"

"Kinda."

Bonnie nudged me. "Em! Remember the list!"

_14. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off._

"Oh right." I air kissed Britney. "BRB hun. GTG do something."

I turned and faced the wall silently along with Jake and Bonnie.

The girls watched us for a few minutes. Stacey coughed.

"What's wrong with this elevator?" Candy the other cheerleader asked. "It's like...stopped."

A cricket somewhere chirped.

"Can we stop now?" Bonnie asked.

I nodded and turned around. "Soz babes. Just had to do something."

Britney flipped her hair over her shoulder. "I, like, totally understand. Like, once, I totally had to do this thing. And like, I was soz too. So yeah."

"Totes." I agreed. "Hey, Brit, do you like, believe in unicorns?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Ew. Animals."

I stared at her and backed away. "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!"

_15. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly._

"Like..." she checked out her nails. "One of what?"

"A UNIATER! A HATER OF UNICORNS!" I stomped my foot.

Jacob smirked. "Did you really just stomp you foot? I thought girls only did that on-"

"WRONG STORY!" we all screamed at him.

**Bella: **And now for the big reveal about why I was knitting earlier!

**Emmett: ***mumbles* At Harry's funeral of all places. Mutter mutter...disrespectful...mutter

**Bella: ***hides behind curtain for a while and then suddenly jumps out* Ta daaaa!

**Lauren: **Uh...why are you dressed in a badly knitted sheep costume?

**Bella: ***pouts* I'm a _lamb!_ I _told _you I'd prove it to you all! And now I have!

**Lauren: **You look like a really ugly snowflake that's just been mugged.

**Bella: **But...but...*prances around in an attempt to be merry* I'm a happy little lamb! I'm Edward's little lamb! I even knitted him a lion costume...*produces the....thing...* Pretty?

**Edward: ***turns to Lauren* I'll give you a lock of my hair if you hide me right now.

**Lauren: **Ok... A lock of your hair...and...plane tickets for two to Isle Esme!

**Edward: ***nudges* Ahhh, who's the second ticket for eh?

**Lauren: **Ummm...you.

**Edward: **Suuure! *winks knowingly* But we ALL know who you're _really _going to take.

**Lauren: ***is getting freaked out* Who?

**Edward: ***smirks* I won't embarrass you by saying his name infront of everyone. It'll just be our little secret.

**Lauren: **Ok, seriously Edward. I don't know what you're talking about...

**Edward: **Lauren and Se-eth up a tree...

**Lauren: **SETH!? WEREWOLF SETH?

**Seth: **Lauren?

**Lauren: **Seth?

**Seth: **Lauren?

**Lauren: **Seth?

**Emmett: **EMMETT!


	27. EXbff, English Monkey and Flaccus

**Lauren: ***flutters eyelashes* I'm so so glad you finally came to your senses Edward.

**Edward: ***looks all nervous* Yes....

**Lauren: ***flutters eyelashes more* Isle Esme is gonna be soo much fun!

**Edward: ***speeds up boat* Yes. Fun.

**Lauren: ***squints into distance* I think I see the island! *lays head on Edward's shoulder* A nice little holiday. Just you and me....

**Edward: ***moves away* Um, did I say just you and me? I mean to say.... Away at sea. With the family....and Bella and.... *mumbles something unintelligible*

**Lauren: **WHAT!? YOU INVITED THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY!? OH THIS IS JUST PERFECT! I GET TO WATCH ALL THE COUPLES GET ALL LOVEY DOVEY! *breaks down into tears* I'm such a loner.

**Edward: **I also...kinda...invited...

**Lauren: **ROBERT PATTINSON!

**Edward: **No.

**Lauren: ***confused* Penn Badgley?

**Edward: **Ok, I'll give you a clue. His name rhymes with breath.

**Lauren: **No! Please don't tell me my date is....

"Seth," I elbowed him as he straightened his bowtie. "She's going to _love _you!"

We all stood on the beach, waiting for Edward and Lauren to arrive in a boat. My cellphone rang.

"Hey Brit!" I squealed. "WUU2?"

Britney and I had gotten over our fight about how she didn't like animals. Although she hadn't said it, I KNEW she believed in unicorns.

"Nm." she replied. "WBU?"

I rolled my eyes and admired my newly manicured nails that Britney had done dor me at out last sleepover. "Standing on this effing beach."

"OMG! Soz babe! That must be like, hell, but to cheer you up I have GREAT NEWS!"

I gasped. "OMFG! Did Brad ask Stacey to the dance?"

"Even better!" she screeched. "Taylor Swift is having a concert tonight and I'VE GOT FRONT ROW TICKETS!"

We both screamed. "OMG! OMG!" I gasped. "B-but I can't come! I'm s-stuck on this STUPID ISLAND!" I kicked down a palm tree.

Britney sounded close to tears. "But you HAVE to come! It won't be the same without you and your super funny unicorn jokes!"

"Unicorn jokes?"

She giggled. "You know, pretending you believe in unicorns..."

I choked. "UNICORNS _ARE _REAL, BRIT!"

She snorted. "No they're not."

I mixed some peanut butter with sand (just to get in the tropical mood) and streaked it down my cheeks. "I SOOOO CAN'T BELEIVE YOU JUST SAID THAT! WE ARE SO OVER!"

"SEE IF I CARE!" she screamed.

"Oh and Brit? YOU LOOK TOTALLY SLUTTY IN YOUR NEW DRESS!" I snapped my phone shut.

"Who was that?" asked Seth, gathering wild flowers to give to Lauren.

"My _EX-_BFF." I spat. "She's such a beyotch."

He held up a red flower. "Do you think this is poisonous?"

I ripped the flower out of his hand. "Dude, flowers? No. They will NEVER win Lauren's heart. What you need is the 'Unicorn's handbook on finding love'." I pulled it out of my pocket. "Read. Memorise. Love."

Seth read the first page. "What's the unicorn mating call?"

I demonstrated. "It goes something like this. Heeeeeee-haaaaaw!"

All the birds flew away out of the trees.

"It'll work. Trust me." I pointed to the boat coming towards us. "Go get her tiger."

Seth smoothed his suit and cleared his throat. "Here goes."

Lauren jumped off the boat. She looked pissed. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FREAKING FAULT EMMETT! IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU AND YOUR STUPID STORY, I WOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW!" then she turned to Edward who looked like a squafflink (baby unicorn) caught in the headlights of Edward Volvo (he likes to run over squafflinks).

"W-what?"

"I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT! YOU SET ME UP WITH A DOG, EDWARD! HALF THE TIME, SETH HAS A TAIL! A FREAKING TAIL!"

"Right about now would be a good time to do the mating call." I hissed to Seth.

"Hee-Haw?"

"ARGH!" screamed Lauren, storming past us.

Seth grabbed her arm. "I have written you a poem-"

Lauren smiled sweetly. "Seth, will you pretty please take your hand off my arm? NOW!"

He took his hand off.

"Now, I WILL listen to your poem. But you have to do a few itsy bitsy little things for me." She threw a long list at him. "Complete that. Once you're done, come to the room I will be sharing with Edward."

"Oh no you won't!" called Bella from somewhere.

Lauren snapped her fingers and it began to rain shopping malls. Bella screamed.

"Ok! He's yours! Take him!"

She grinned. "I love being in charge!"

Edward, Seth and I stared after her for a few seconds. I leant over to Seth. "I think she likes you."

But he was scanning the list. "Number one, dye your hair bronze."

I stuck my hoof down my throat. "Ew! Bronze hair? Ta-acky!"

Edward flounced off.

"Number two, compose a lullaby for me."

I read over his shoulder. "Number three, speak all poetically and dazzle me..frequently." I giggled. "What the unicorn is a dazzle? A type of cereal?"

Seth's eyes twinkled. "_I _know what a dazzle is! I must dazzle her!"

I nodded. "Kay... You complete your list, I'll complete mine."

Bonnie rushed over to us, dressed as a scientist. "According to my calculations, that's impossible."

I put on a pair of thick, oversized glasses. "Why is that Professor Unionnie?"

"Take a look for yourself!" she threw her hands up in the air. "We're on an island! No elevators!"

I gasped. "But...but elevators are a must have! HOW DO UNICORNS TRAVEL AROUND THIS ISLAND WHEN THERE ARE NO ELEVATORS!?"

Bonnie looked down uncomfortably. "Well, Em, there are actually n-"

"No unicorns!" Carlisle came skipping over. "No stupid unicorns to ruin my holiday! MWAHAHAHA!" Then he ran off.

I raised my perfectly plucked (thanks Britney!) eyebrow. "You know, you totally wouldn't expect it, but Carlisle looks hot in an Hawaiian shirt."

"But he's right!" cried Bonnie. "No unicorns no elevators! What are we going to do?"

"OMUOJPAH!!!" I cried. "We could BUILD an elevator!"

"But we need people to be _in_ the elevator!"

I skipped around on the sand. "MOKEYS! EXOTIC BIRDS! ENDANGERED ANIMALS!"

Bonnie started to skip with me. "THE WORLD IS OUR OYSTER!"

*

"Picking coconuts form the coconut tree!" I sang.

"Na na na nana na na naaaaaa!" called Bonnie.

"The biggest coconuts that you ever did see."

"Na na na nana na na naaaaaa!"

I looked into my basket. "I think we have enough now."

"I unigree."

Edward examined the blueprints. He was going to build our elevator. "What is the world is a unioculator?"

"Kind of like a dressing gown." I explained, nodding at Bonnie to continue.

"Only..."

"UNIFIED!" we both shouted.

Edward still didn't get it. "Why do we need a dressing gown to build an elevator?"

Bonnie and I put our unioculators on. "To keep us WARM and TOASTY!"

"Ok..." Edward started to build the elevator at vampire speed.

Bonnie and I waited.

And waited.

"So Bonnie, are you enjoying the weather."

"Yes, Emmett, I certainly am. You look different, I can't quite put my finger on it though, did you do something with your hair?"

"Yes, Bonnie, I dyed it purple."

"I looks good on you."

Edward finally stopped. "Finished."

We stared at it in horror. "Why. Is. It. BROWN!?"

He shrugged. "Brown is a warm colour. Everything that should be brown is covered in gree-"

"STOP QUOTING BELLA! PAINT IT PINK!"

He sighed. "Ok, ok. Pink it is."

So Bonnie and I waited again.

And waited....

"Did you see Desperate Housewives last night?"

"Nah."

"Oh."

"Finished!" panted Edward.

"And where," I asked menacingly. "Is our ROAST BEEF!?"

"Roast beef?"

"YES!" I screamed. "IT'S THE SWEEDISH TERM FOR BEEF THAT IS ROASTED!" **(Series of unfortunate events...ha ha)**

"No!" cried Edward, throwing the lacey pink apron we had forced him to wear on the ground. "I quit! Get your own roast beef!"

Bonnie and I looked at each other.

"Sheesh." I muttered, pressing the button. "Drama queen much?"

_16. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button."_

"Hello." greeted a gentlemanly looking monkey in a top hat. He had a english accent. That amused me.

"You're going to die soon." I said in a creepy voice.

"Huh?"

"You're going to go extinct."

Monkey guys eyes were wide. "N-no! N-no!"

"Y-Yes! In fact, this elevator will explode. You'll die."

He looked around wildly. "I've gotta get out of here!" He pressed the doors open button.

"BOOM!" I yelled.

"Ahhh!" screamed top-hat-monkey, falling to the ground. "Do help me! Golly, I'm dead!" Then he was still.

"Not my problem!" I giggled.

"Uh, Em." Bonnie nudged me. "We've finished the list. That means..."

"NO!" I screamed, just as Lauren was about to exit out of the document. "YOU CAN'T FINISH YET! WHAT ABOUT SETH!?"

*

"Fine." sighed Lauren. "You have completed the list that I gave you. Read the damn poem. Then leave already!"

Seth _had _completed his list. He had dyed his hair, had body glitter all over him, was wearing stilts so he was 6'2, purchased a Volvo and a whole lot of other scarily obsessive things.

Seth cleared his throat.

_You live in a house,_

_you are not a mouse._

_I want to buy you flowers,_

_'coz I am Austin Powers._

_Your eyes are brown like Bella's,_

_you-_

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

"Idiot." The entire Cullen family muttered.

"I AM NOT BELLA!" screamed Lauren, chasing him around the island.

"Well, I think we've all learnt a very valuable lesson these past sixteen days." I said as we watched our author friend throw crabs at Seth.

Edward turned to the camera. "I learnt that I look HOT in a rainbow afro." (Chapter 4)

Carlisle turned. "I learnt that my true name is Carldemort." (Chapter 26)

Bella looked at her shoes. "I learnt that I find pleasure in stabbing Shetland ponies." She sniffed and Edward put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I'm seeking help to deal with my problem." (Chapter 22)

It was Rosalie's turn. "I learnt that mirrors do not actually talk in real life. And," she smiled smugly. "I really _am _the fairest of them all." (Chapter 3)

"OMU!" squealed Bonnie holding a newspaper up that said, 'Extra Extra, Lauren plans sequel?'. "I learnt that if the reviews go up to 600, Lauren will do a sequel!"

**Lauren: **The pixie speaks the truth.

**Emmett: **Yay! No cage!

**Lauren: ***pats Emmett's head fondly* Silly, sily child. Of _course _I will lock you in the cage. But if the reviews go up to 600, I will free you for the sequel. *locks Emmett in cage*

**Emmett: **Oh for the love of Charlie! Help! Heeeelp! There is no peanut butter in this cruel, cruel prsison! Can I at least have my unicorn doll?

**Lauren: ***giggles* No.

**Emmett: **PLEASE! LOYAL READERS! FREE ME FROM THIS HATEFUL PRISON! *starts to sing* Loooonely, I'm Mr Looooonely!

**Lauren: ***rolls eyes* Look, I'll tell you what, because Emmett needs someone to talk to, the top ten funniest, longest, best...etc reviews, will receive a message from Emmett himself. Ok?

**Emmett: ***pouts* I still want my Unicorn doll. His name is Flaccus.


	28. SEQUEL!

**Lauren: ***squeals like she's just seen Edward naked* SEQUEL IS UP! **UNIREAKING DAWN** IS UP! READ! REVIEW! HOPE YOU LIKE IT AS MUCH AS THIS STORY!

**Emmett: **Does that mean....?

**Lauren: ***unlocks cage*

_Emmett and Flaccus-The-Unicorn-Doll run towards each other across a field of buttercups..._

**Lauren**: Oh dear God, that is just...that's really disturbing...


	29. Unimmett is on TWITTER!

**Emmett: **MWAHAHAHAHA!

**Lauren: **THIS IS AN ABOMINATION! I LOCK _YOU _IN CAGES! NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND!

**Emmett: **I shall let you out when you do what I want.

**Lauren: **EMMETT! I'm NOT making you a twitter account! You're a fictional character!

**Emmett: **No I'm not.

**Lauren: **Yes! You are!

**Emmett: **Ok...I'll make you a deal...You create a twitter account for me, so I can share my unicornity with the world, and I'LL steal you a pair of Edward's boxers.

**Lauren: ***laughs nervously* Yeah...Because I don't already have any of his boxers.....or his pillows...or his teeth....FINE! I'll make you a damn Twitter account. But all my readers are gonna think I'm a weirdo.

**Bonnie: **They already do....

**Emmett: **OHMYUNICORN! I'M GONNA HAVE MORE FOLLOWERS THAN UNIILEY CYRUS!

**Lauren: **Ok, your username is _EmTheUnicorn_.

**Emmett: **MWAHAHAHA! FIRST TWITTER, THEN BEBO, THEN MYSPACE THEN FACEBOOK! *hands Lauren boxers* Here you go. As promised.

**Lauren: **OHMYGOSH! The rare _purple _Edward boxers! Collectors addition! Thanks Em- Em? Where'd you go?

*silence*

**Lauren: **HELLO? YOU FORGOT TO LET ME OUT OF THE CAGE!

**Emmett: ***from some remote place in the Middle East, on a computer* Yes....Forget.... *to readers* FOLLOW ME! NOW! ON TWITTER! LINK IS ON MYBOYFRIENDEDWARDSPARKLES' PROFILE PAGE! GO! FLY!

**Bonnie: **Because if you don't...well, let's just say there are plenty of spare cages left...


	30. THIS STORY HAS BEEN COPIED

**Hey guys.**

**Once again, a story of mine has been copied.**

**Fan-bloody-tastic.**

**And it's THIS one, Emmett's 16 fun things to do in an elevator.**

**The girl who did it didn't even copy it on fanfic, she did it on this site called TwilightBeginnings and one on my friends saw it and told me.**

**As you can tell, I'm PRETTY pissed (understatement) which isn't a usual occurrence since I'm mostly quite easy going. **

**I tried to comment on it, but the site only lets members comment so I joined up and now it STILL won't let me because my 'membership is pending approval'.**

**I'll give you the link and as a favor do you think you guys could TRY to find out someway to pull her up on this? It's sooooo annoying to see that she's done this and not be able to do a THING about it! Gah! **

**PLEASE HELP GUYS!**

**Xxxxxx**

**Here's the link: http://twilight-beginnings(dot)ning(dot)com/profiles/blogs/emmetts-16-fun-things-to-do-in**

**(replace the (dot)'s with actual '.' dots. **


	31. Some review humour

**Heeeeeeey.**

**Yeah sorry, I know this is like the second authors note I've put up in a few days, but I figured that since this is a humour story, I may as well amuse you with something....**

**Ok, if you go into the reviews for this story, you'll see that there are like four anonymous reviews, all in the space of about ten minutes. All pretending to be a different person and all saying like the EXACT same nasty things.**

**Ahem. Example: **

Penname: twilightv

_your story was good and looked promising but then you dragged it on for a bit_ _but i stuck with it hoping for it to get better and then of all things you_ _wrote yourself into the story and it became an obsessive fangirl sad craze_ _thing._ **Then two minutes later....** Penname: Seriously? _this story was good but really halfway through nothing happens and are you_ _sure this is a twilight fanfic or a declaration of your ott fangirl-ness_ **About two more pathetic reviews followed.** **I literally just sat there and LAUGHED. No! I'm not crazy, I just think that its hilarious that that person thinks they're kidding anyone. Besides, sometimes when people are being complete bitches, you just need to not take them seriously, you know?** **Anyway, my theory is that it's the same person who copied this story on a different site and now that she knows I'm onto her she's panicking. What do you guys reckon?** **Sorry for the long authors note, *yells into distance* SORRY FANFICTION ADMINISTRATION.** **Ps: Sorry to you other guys who may have thought I went OTT fangirl, I'll try not to anymore when I eventually get the sequel up. **


End file.
